A Blanket of Positivity

What a fantastic day I had yesterday!  I cannot believe the amount of energy, goodwill, excitement and just positive feelings I felt.  I don't recall the last time I felt this fantastic.  I don't know the reason or the cause, I wish I did, but I loved being alive and felt so alive.

I think that part of the reason may have been because I've slowly been getting things organized in my home and in my life, I've rationally assessed things I'd like to accomplish this year, I'm content in my job, I've got great friend support and most importantly, I have an ever evolving incredible relationship with my kids and wee ones. 

Life is good.  Life is very good.

2014 Goals

You know that when you put "pen to paper" you are committed to things, right?  That being said, I've done some thinking and here's some of what I want to accomplish this year.

Relationship - Not looking for a man, so let's get that out of the way.  I do want to commit to being more in touch on a more regular basis with some of my family members and friends.  There are some of my friendships that I would like to cultivate.  I would like to make sure that I call people at least on a monthly basis and keep those friendships intact. 

I also like to cultivate more relationships with my ward family.  I am planning on doing regular book readings to those families who would love to have me come into their home, or they come to mine, and let me read to their children. 

I want to spend more time with my grandchildren and my kids.  I receive so much pleasure during those times I am able to physically interact with Derek and Jake as they are growning so fast.  It also brings me a great deal of pleasure to see my son in his capacity as a dad and husband and watching Nikki as she loves and cares for her family.

Professional - I love and enjoy my job and am not looking to move on anywhere else.  Here's hoping things remain as they are in this category for the remainder of this year. 

I'd like to follow through and begin my opportunities to speak on behalf of Donor Alliance here in Wyoming and Colorado on organ, tissue and skin donations.  I received a letter back in September of last year that said in part...

"Please know that through you and your husband's incredible act of compassion and generosity, lives' of those in need have been greatly changed for the better.  The following is information regarding the donation of your husband's tissues.

Joseph has given the gift of skin tissue, more specifically sixteen grafts for transplantation.  Skin grafts are considered a life saving procedure for those who have suffered from breast cancer and need assistance with post-mastectomy reconstruction.  Following a surgery, skin grafts can aid in preventing infection, reducing recovery time and ultimately promoting healing of the surgery site.  Eleven individuals at this time have received your husband's fits for post-mastectomy reconstructions.  The five other grafts your husband has given have yet to be transplanted at this time."  I think it's important that people understand that no matter your age or your medical condition, you can be a donor.  If Joe could do it, then anyone can.

Spiritual - I would like to attend the temple at least two times this year. 

I would like to attend a "Time Out For Women".  It's been almost two years since I've been to one and I think they are an essential need for me.  It's like a spiritual detoxification for my soul.

I would like to read my Ensign from cover to cover each month before the next one arrives.  (This may be the closest I come at this time to committing to read my scriptures daily). 

I would like to commit to reading and studying my Sunday School and Relief Society lessons each week. 

I would like to begin and complete the necessary family history for Joe's mom and dad and Les' mom and dad so that my kids can be their proxies at the temple. 

And, of course, I'd like to have quality morning and evening talks with my Heavenly Father each and every day.

I also want to be of more service.  I want to take and make opportunities to do unexpected things for people.  I want to surprise people with random acts of kindness.  I want more opportunities to add to my "Happy Jar".

Mental - I'd love to read at least six (6) books for pure pleasure.  I used to love to read and haven't for years. 

I'd like to take a class at the college - something stimulating. 

I'd love to complete a writing project about Vietnam letters I started a few years ago and have it done before Christmas as gifts for my siblings. 

I'd like to finish a blog I was writing about Joe and the documentation I was doing about his care giving.  I have doubts that this may be completed this year as there are some things about his illness and death which are still very tender.  If not this year, another year as I feel it is important to complete.

I'd like to continue writing in my own blog as it gives me an outlet to document my life - whether it appeals to anyone else or not matters not.  I want to record my thoughts, my experiences in hopes that my grandchildren will know who I am one of these days. 

Physical - I'd love to change the way I eat and how I eat.  This is difficult as my work hours are strange and I return home after 7:00 p.m. many nights AND my work has me sitting 95% of the time.  But, I'm hoping that by changing some things I want to lose at least one (1) lb. per week. 

I hope eventually I can start adding some walking and some exercise in my routine.  My left knee is presently inhibited that at this time, but hopefully that will change in the coming months.

I want to change my sleep habits.  I LOVE staying up late and am able to due to my job.  However, I feel as though I'm wasting valuable time, so I'm going to try to start keeping an earlier bedtime and getting up earlier. 

Fun and Frivolity/Bucket List - I still want to do "daycations" as there is still lots to explore.  I want to participate in a real cow branding.  I want to witness the annual roundup of 1400 buffalo in South Dakota in September.  That was something Joe and I really wanted to experience together.  And I'd love to attend the 2014 Professional Bullriders Rodeo in Las Vegas in October.  How cool would that be?!

Looks like it's going to be a busy year.

Seven Days Late

It's seven days into this new year and I'm not wanting to make resolutions for this year, but rather goals - Things I'd like to accomplish before this year is over.  So, I've been doing lots of thinking and pondering and mulling over what I hope will be realistic goals.  Maybe when this year ends I'll be able to wipe a few things off my "I did it" list?

Before I could even get to this point to begin listing these goals, I had to do some major straightening up so that I could even see my desk.  (And, the bishop was coming over to hook up my router and he needed some work room).

During the course of the cleaning, I discovered a little notebook I had started with Joe back in 2010.  It was where we sat and discussed things we'd like to do for that year - places we'd like to visit, etc.

Some of the things we listed for that year included:

• Visit Stan Clark in Rexburg, Idaho;
• Visit Joe's niece, Sherri Ayers in Indiana;
• Go to Lusk and Chadron:
• Visit North Dakota:
• Revisit Mesa Verde;
• Float down the Wind River Canyon;
• Take the scenic train ride in Durgango, Colorado through the mountains and walk across a suspension bridge in the area;
• Go see Mt. Rushmore;
• Explore the Big Horn/Red Gulch Scenic Backway again;
• Visit Glacier National Forest;
• Attend the temple at least twice during the year;
• Have a missionary reunion in Utah;
• Attend a cow-branding; and
• Watch the buffalo roundup in Custer State Park.

When Joe and I revisited this list at the beginning of 2011, we discovered that we'd only accomplished one thing - floating down the river for our anniversary.  Two days later, he had his first heart attack and that changed a great deal of our plans for the rest of 2010.  Some things have since been accomplished in later years.

This is a new year with new goals to be acknowledged and hopefully many of them accomplished.  It's kinda nice to have a clean slate and a new year.  There is a quote I found several months ago that I think goes well with all this which is...

"There are moments which mark your life.  Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this."  I'm in the "after this" part of my life.

My husband...

One of the first things I realized this morning when I woke up is that a common phrase in my life for the past year and a half has been changed.  It's a silly realization, but it does go to show that life does move forward.

The latter part of 2012, I could say in conversation..."my husband just recently died" or "my husband just died _____ months ago."  Then during 2013, I could say "my husband passed away last year."

I became aware of how life does and moves forward.  Now there is no simple or standard marking of time regarding Joe's death like there previously was.  Now it'll just be "my husband passed away".  In a few months it will be two years since his death.  Two years!  Where has the time gone?  No longer will my life be defined by something stating that his death is new and raw.  I have passed through this last year of the last of the "firsts".  I lived through the last of the first New Year's without Joe; the first Valentine's Day and most profoundly, the anniversary of the first year of his death.  There are no more calendar "firsts".

I have now made several trips to Utah by myself.  There have been those occasions when I have stretched my arm over to the passenger seat and placed my hand where his leg would have been.  I have felt on those rare moments, his presence with me and it has brought comfort and tears to me.

I started going on "daycations" again with dear friends who shared those experiences with me.  It was difficult in the beginning visiting places that we had once visited and having that rush of memories flood my mind.  Thank goodness I was blessed with understanding friends who respected those moments though they could not fully understand them.

I am getting out a little more.  I still find it difficult to attend "couple"-related get together at church.  I went to one and felt like a caged rabbit ready to bolt at a moments notice.  Though a sweet friend came to my rescue and assured me I would survive, I've not been able to bring myself to go to another one.  Maybe that will change this year - maybe it won't.

No matter what though, this is my year.  This is my year to start feeling comfortable in my skin and my life.  Though life is still scary, I know that I can survive whatever because I've already been through the worse. 

It's A New Year And I'm Moving On?

Today began another new year.  This is the time when people usually take stock of their lives and see how badly they screwed up last year or remember some of the highlights of the previous twelve months of their lives.  It's also a time for many to sit down and decide or at least make an attempt to note, either mentally or recorded on paper or whatever that they are going to do something different;  they will make notes about how they want to improve their present lives; how they are going to make some type of change.

2014 came in this morning with a snowstorm.  I stayed up until 4:30 a.m. watching a series of shows that had been on my television DVR since September - four months ago!  I decided it was time to get them off one way or another so I settled down for the long haul to watch 14 recording episodes of one show.  I made it for eight of them before turning into bed.  What a waste of time, right?!  That's one of the things I'd like to change in this new year - feeling like I really am accomplishing things.

For the past several years, I've selected a word of the year.  At the beginning of the new year, I've gone back to reflect on how that word affected the next twelve months.  I noticed I didn't pick a word last year.  In fact, I only did eight posts during the entire year.  I probably only came up with titles for a few of those and never even wrote anything - it was a difficult year to adjust to my year of living alone.  The first time I'd lived alone by myself since 1977.  That's 36 years of having someone to have conversation with in my home every day and then it stops.  There were days when I didn't see a human being outside my home or even have a conversation with a living soul.  Don't get me wrong;  that's not bad sometimes.

Anyway, I digress from this new year...I'm not going to make resolutions.  I do want to sit down and come up with some workable goals to achieve.  This year will be different than previous ones.  I know because I will make it different.  I want to make a difference in my life and in the life of others.  I've been contemplating my 2014 word of the year and I believe it will be...

ACCOMPLISHMENT.

I want to finish or make headway on past projects that I started and haven't completed.  I want some previously used creativity to return.  I want to feel as though I have purpose in my life.  I want to make a difference to myself and to others. 

Last year was not a bad year.  It was a good year filled with many, many blessings.  But, there was a lack of fulfillment in my life - a wondering of why and what I am to do.  I need to find purpose this year and I've got 364 days until I report again.

The Little Bottle of Eye Drops

It's been almost 10 months since Joe passed away and so many things have happened, yet at the same time it seems as though life has sometimes felt as though I'm on automatic co-pilot.

I've had some definite changes occurring in my life this month and I will talk about them at some time in a future blog.  It's been a long time since I've made an entry, but felt that it was necessary to write a little something today while it's on my mind and the feelings are so visible.

Grief is a strange thing.  It has so many facets.  For as many people as there are, there are most likely the same variations of how those people deal with it.  I am moving forward, but every once in a while something happens that makes you stop.  It's like the wind is kicked out of you.  It's like you've run into a brick wall at 100 mph.   That has happened several times and I've not recorded it though I've wanted to because I felt as though it would help me and maybe help someone else one day when they go through the same experience.  I had that little bump in the road experience happen this morning.

I cannot tell you how many times I've opened one of the cabinet doors in the kitchen and taken out a measuring cup.  It's been multiple times since last May.  I've been vaguely aware of a small item sitting quietly on the right hand side.  I've never picked it up.  I've never moved it.  I've never done anything with it until today.  It's a small bottle of dry eye solution eye drops.  Joe had to use this many times because his eyes did not produce enough tears at times.

I picked up that small bottle, looked at it and started to cry.  Then I threw it away.  That simple act may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but it was and is to me.  It's one of those small and seemingly insignificant acts of moving on.  It's tossing something else away that belonged to Joe, that was used by Joe and no longer has a reason for being in our home.  Maybe self-consciously I've kept it around so that I could keep a small piece of Joe.  Why it was thrown away today?  I don't have a good answer other than that maybe today it was meant to happen.

"This is the face...

So I'm sitting watching the series finale of one of my favorite shows tonight.  It's the same show that gave me those bits of wisdom on my recent post entitled "Still Unfinished".    Near the conclusion of the episode one of the characters says something that reminds me of one of those moments I remember with Joe and now I'm here crying.  I hurried to come write about it because I'm afraid that one of these days I might not be able to recall it and that would be so sad.  It's one of those things that would most likely be so very trivial to someone else reading it, but that doesn't matter.  It's my memory and it would be Joe's too. 

I remember the first time that I woke up in bed next to Joe.  I remember looking at his sweet face and placing my hands on his cheeks and saying to him, "This is the face that I could wake up to and see every morning".  And it was.  I loved looking into his beautiful blue eyes and touching his soft skin and kissing his sweet lips.  What pure joy it was when we didn't have to hop right out of bed and we could turn facing each other and spend time just looking into each other's face.  What pure magic that was for me.

Oh, if I could only have that again.  I miss Joe.

Still Unfinished

One thing I'm learning about grief and healing is that I certainly do not understand it.  Just when you think you have a handle on it, it comes up out of nowhere to slap you upside your head. 

For the past few days, I've had a sense of overwhelming concern and unease.  I'd lie in bed and wonder what is the purpose for my life; what is the reason that I'm still around; what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life?  Forget that...what am I supposed to for the next month; the next year?  I get up in the morning, go to work and then come home and start the whole process over and over every day.  Weekends are different now since Joe's not with me.  There's no conversation taking place while I watch tv, no spontaneous trips or outings with him.  Other people are going on with their normal, everyday lives and mine seems to be sputtering at times and I'm going around and around in circles.  Don't get me wrong.  There are those times it is nice to come home and not have to have conversation or interaction without anyone other than the dog.  What is my purpose for the rest of my life?  I'm trying to fill some of my time with volunteer work and my church callings.  I'm looking for other things to give purpose and meaning to my life outside of work.

I was watching television tonight and one segment of the show revolved around a woman who had lost her husband through a heart attack just like Joe.  She, too, was questioning her life just like me.  Her friend on the show gave her a thought that I took great strength from.  This is what he said to her and I present it as though he said it to me...

"You are not done.  You are unfinished.  You, Carol, are a work in progress.  If someone had told you almost nine years ago that you would meet the true love of your live after coming out of a 23 year marriage, you'd have laughed in that person's face.  If someone had told you five years ago that you'd be living in Wyoming, you'd have told them there was no way you were moving from Georgia.  If someone had told you less than a year ago that you'd be a widow, you'd never have believed them.

I don't know what tomorrow brings for you.  It could be nothing.  It could be absolutely anything.  It could be good or it could be bad.  It could be just you and the dog spending time together day in and day out.  I just don't know because you're not done.  You won't know the point of the book until it's written...the book that is your life.  Your life is a work in progress.  So, you Carol Weaver are unfinished".

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Third Day

Everyone starts out the year with New Year's resolutions.  I'm not listing anything I'm specifically trying to do myself.  Others will just have to see if they notice anything better or improved about me by the end of the year.  If they do, they I guess I was a success.  If not, then I don't have to feel like I was a failure.

One thing I'm trying to do is get more organized - more structured - more on a routine.  That applies to getting up the same time in the morning and going to bed at the same time.  I love staying up late at night, but unfortunately that doesn't seem to work when I have to get up to go to work the next morning.

My Christmas decorations are still up, my blog isn't updated - my intentions are running behind.  Hopefully, all will become much more settled by the end of this coming weekend.  Fingers crossed!

Just Say No To New Year's Resolutions

Found this article and thought it was quite good...

It takes twenty-one days to form a new habit and your mind is a powerful tool in helping you form and keep those habits. In fact, our mind is so powerful that, if we don’t stay focused, it will “help” us break our New Year Resolutions within the first week of setting them.

The top New Year's Resolutions, according to usa.gov, last year were:

• Eat Healthy Food
• Get a Better Education
• Get a Better Job
• Get Fit
• Lose Weight
• Manage Debt
• Manage Stress
• Quit Smoking
• Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
• Save Money
• Take a Trip
• Volunteer to Help Others
• Drink Less Alcohol

Surprising? Not really.

How many times have you set a goal on New Year's Day of what you wanted to accomplish for the year? Probably all of us. How long did it take before you gave up that goal?

The word resolution means “a firm decision to do or not to do something;” however, I suspect that the word actually has the opposite affect on most people. By the end of January, people have typically given up those resolutions and gone back to the status quo, never having actually accomplished what it was that they were really striving for: A Life Change.

Changing the way you see your resolution — not as a goal but as a life style change — will help immensely in your ability to achieve what it is you want to accomplish.

We are going to walk you through some simple things you can do that will help you finally achieve that life style change you have been craving.

1. Positive Thoughts: It’s true what your Grandma told you– “If you think you can, You Can. If you think you can’t, you won’t.” You become what you think and if your thoughts are focused — for the first week of your new goals — on positive and inspiring ones your chances of achieving your goals increase by 50%. Put post-it notes up all over the house saying “I’m powerful and I WILL achieve my goals.”
2. Live in Reality: Don’t put the cart before the horse. In other words: If your end goal is to “be in shape” don’t try to run a marathon before you can walk a mile. Once you have your end goal in mind, you need to set smaller goals that you can accomplish one month at a time. If your end goal is to “be in shape” but your couch has a permanent imprint of your rear, set the goal this month to walk every day for 15 minutes. Once you have accomplished that you can move on to the next level of accomplishing your final goal of “being in shape.” You may need to refine that goal, ultimately, and be more specific in what it is that you want to accomplish. But, “being in shape” is a good beginning.
3. Envision the End Result: It sounds hokey, I know. But it works. Whatever that end goal is that you have — envision yourself accomplishing it. How does it feel? Memorize those feelings. Set a specific date that you want to have your goal accomplished by and write it down. Hang this goal with the specific end date in a prominent place that you will see on a daily basis. This will help keep your goal in the forefront of your mind, making it easier to accomplish. Lets say you want to be able to run a 5k without dying. You need to first find one, that is far enough in the future that you can train for it, and then register for it. You now have something concrete that will help push forward, keep you motivated as well helping you be accountable.
4. Be Like Nike and Just Do It: If you can keep yourself focused for twenty-one days then you will have the beginnings of a new habit– a new lifestyle. Don’t get frustrated or discouraged. Thoughts are the key to your accomplishing your goals– so keep your thoughts upbeat and positive. Negative thoughts are not allowed this year!

Remember: Accomplishing your goals is just like eating an elephant. You CAN accomplish that life style change you are craving one bite at a time.

I Became A CASA Volunteer

After taking over 30 hours of training I was sworn in as one of the newest Court Appointed Special Advocates. This means I will be doing volunteer work with children who have been removed from their home because of neglect and/or abuse. I figured this would give me something to do with my time and hopefully I will be able to make a difference in the life or lives of children.

 

 

 

 

September Utah Visit

I made another trip to Utah in September to visit with the kids and attend the wedding reception of Alisa Lyman who was one of my missionary children in Casper.  Derek and I went to her "wedding party" together that night in Highland while Corey and Nikki took off for a night away at some resort in the mountains.

Those visits get harder and harder to make it seems.  It's a long trip by myself.  B. J. The Dog doesn't talk much.  The trip is worth it though when I finally make it and see the kids - especially get to spend some time with Derek.

 

 

 

 

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And then I let Derek have the camera...

 



 

 

 

 

 

Pretty good, huh?

 

 



Last Menus

I tried to be organized every week.  Sunday was my day to have everything planned for the week's upcoming meals.  I had to do that because of all the doctor appointments and work or else I would have felt so stressed to try and plan dinner each and every night.

This is my last listing of those planned dinners:

Susan Came For A Visit

Susan came for a visit the first week in August.  She was on the way home after a visit to Washington State to see her first little grandchild - Hudson.

She flew into Casper and I picked her up.  The next day was spent doing some countryside sightseeing. 

 

We had to head to Denver the next day because she was flying out to Georgia the following day.  So we headed south by way of Nebraska, back into Wyoming and then Colorado.

  



 

 

 

 

 

Susan met a biker on his way home from his yearly Sturgis visit.

 

Random Thoughts

- I was driving to work yesterday when I heard the sound of an ambulance siren.  I had to pull over to the side of the street to let it pass.  As it did, a wave of sadness swept over me and I began to cry.  How many times had one made a visit to my home?  And then I remembered following an ambulance that last final time.  It's these little moments of reality that knock me back a step or two.

- Sleep has once again taken a new turn.  I find myself staying up until unbelievable hours of the morning.  And, when I finally do force myself into bed, my mind won't shut off and I realize I'm thinking about the oddest things - things I haven't thought about for years or just playing things over and over in my mind.  It was on one of these nights that I realized that my relationship with Joe was exactly eight years from the time we met until the time of his death.

- I have come to realize how insensitive people can be sometimes when it comes to death - more exactly the insensitivity of what people have said to me.  And the most hurtful things have more than often come from some family members. 

- I don't share my feelings with others like I used to.  I am trying to move on inwardly when I feel my loss and sorrow. I've done so much reading about grief since Joe's passing.  I've done lots of praying.  I've been trying to understand how I should be healing and reacting and as far as I can tell, I'm normal?

- One thing that I don't find myself worrying about is paying my bills.  Oh, I admit that in the beginning it was an almost paralyzing thought that I'd lost one of my monthly incomes.  However, I've come to gain a BIG testimony of paying my tithing.  Somehow everything always seems to work out.  My landlord was temporarily reducing my rent for three months and he's decided to leave the reduction in place.  Will it be forever?  I don't know, but I'm not going to worry about it.  He knows my situation and wants to keep me as a renter.  And, Joe's family has been very generous and gracious in sending me some extra monies to help.  I've been quite fortunate that even with the visitors from out of state and the extra trips and expenses to Utah and Colorado, I have managed to still pay my bills.  In fact, my bills for the upcoming month have been paid usually by the end of the current month.  I also secured a ticket to fly to Georgia for a week using my frequent flyer miles.  And, I still had a few (very few) miles leftover and I'm flying in and out of Casper so no trip to Denver for me this time.   I don't hardly grocery shop anymore as I have so much here or people still tend to feed me either in their home or at a restaurant.  And, by the beginning of next year, I should be totally debt free and only have my monthly living expenses.   Yes, I do have a testimony of tithing.

- I'm never afraid of being by myself - even at night.  I've never been given a cause to be scared.  I go to bed each night with a knowledge that my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  At least when I finally make it to my bed.

The Weekend

It's Friday night.  I walked into the house tonight and it's almost like I'm standing at one end of a very long, dimly lit hall.  The weekend looms like something to be dreaded, yet wanted at the same time.  I could most likely call someone and suggest going out to dinner or a movie or have someone come over, but then I've been nice and cheery to people all day, all week.  I'm emotionally spent,  It's hard during the work week because though my heart still can still break and ache at the most inopportune times, I have to keep my emotions in check...I'm a professional, I'm paid to do a job and honestly the job is what has kept my functioning as a "normal" person.

During the week, I think of all the things I'd like to get down over the weekend.  I have my list of things to accomplish, but it can be left on the counter and nothing get checked off.  I have things I want to do...apparently later than sooner.  I have a burning desire to puts thoughts to paper since my head seems on the verge of over-flowing with things I need, that I want to express.  But, I don't get it done. If I do start writing something, I generally become overcome with grief that all I can do is sit and sob.

I want, I need to get on with living a "normal" life.  I want, I need to start reading books again.  I want, I need to find something to help fill my time, something to make me feel fulfilled.  I want, I need something to bring some creativity, some joy back into my life so that it all becomes as natural as breathing.

It's the quietness of the house that gets to me sometimes.  The quietness is both a curse and a blessing.  There is such a loneliness without Joe.  There is the loss of knowing I don't hear his voice and see him.  There is the loss of planned daycations, of shared experiences and memories. 

When I make it through Friday night and all day Saturday, then Sunday becomes so very difficult.  I used to look forward to going to church with Joe.  He always looked so good, smelled so wonderful and I loved being able to sit together and hold hands.  Now it's sometimes a very painful experience because of those memories. 

I know that in time things will become easier.  I know that my Heavenly Father does not want me to continue to cry and hurt.  Unfortunately, that time has not yet arrived.

It Rained

It rained last night.  It was one of those evenings where the first twinges of fall seemed to be creeping in after a very long hot summer.  It started raining sometime before going to bed.  I never heard it at all until shortly before I went to crawl into bed.  I love nights like that...Nights when it's cool, when the window is open and one side of the curtain is pushed aside to catch the breeze.  Then I could really hear the gentle sound of the rain coming down.  It's a rare thing when that happens here in Wyoming.  I rarely have the chance to see it rain at all - there's so little of it.  So, when nights like last night come along, I try to enjoy it as long as possible.

After saying my nightly prayer, I slipped into bed and laid there listening to the steady drip, drip, drip of the rain falling off the side of the house until I finally slipped off into a wonderful night of undisturbed sleep.

Three Months

Pretty much just like One Month and Two Months.

Floundering

I feel as though I'm floundering.  Sometimes when I try to move forward it seems as though I get pushed back.  I sometimes feel like a little dingy in the middle of the ocean and I'm just being tossed to and fro with no sense of direction.

Nesting

Nesting after the death of my loved one vaguely reminds me of when I was preparing for the birth of Corey.

I realized after Joe's death that I couldn't be like some people I'd heard about who left everything exactly the same.  This is now my home and so I had to make some changes.

I may have mentioned it somewhere before, but it was a real blessing that Corey went through the majority of Joe's items shortly after the funeral.  Items, primarily medically related, were given away to individuals or organizations that could benefit from things he used.  This included medicines, adult diapers, bed liners, etc.  Corey took clothing that he knew he would like and use and the rest was donated to various charities.

There are subtle items left out to remind me of Joe.  His cowboy hat still hangs on the coat rack, his favorite BYU baseball cap has found a home on the antique hall tree, his picture stands on the shelf in front of his box of ashes and then there is the top shelf of the closet where his clothes used to hang.  I see his favorite pair of tennis shoes, his box of arrowheads and other unknown things that Corey packed away and placed there. 

I've hung new curtains in the living room, added new cushions, moved furniture around, hung new things on the wall and made this house my home.  The bedroom has also been changed to reflect a sense of clean and crisp - like a hotel room.  It's my oassis at the end of the day.

I've not changed the message on the answer machine.  It still says that you've reached the home of Joe and Carol Weaver.  I just wish it had Joe's voice instead of mine.  I miss hearing his voice.  I can hear it in my head when I stop and think about it, but I miss the way he spoke.

Part of the nesting process was taking my car and having it cleaned inside and outside.  I just felt it was a necessary step for me to move forward.

I still run across things of Joe's when looking for something in drawers or in closets.  It causes me to stop - sometimes right in my tracks.  That's when I decide it's time to do something else.  Still too many memories that bring me to tears.

Papa Joe

Corey has shared a couple of experiences that Derek has had after the death of his Papa Joe.  They have brought a great deal of comfort to me.

One day Derek was on the trampoline playing with the neighbor children.  He started crying when he couldn't get off.  Corey came and took him off.  A short time later, Corey heard Derek crying again and went to see what was the trouble.  Derek was sitting on his bicycle and his dad asked him what was wrong.  Derek replied, "He wanted Papa Joe to come back and be with Grandma Carol".

Another time, the three of them went to some community festival.  Derek got two helium balloons and his dad told him to hang on to them or else they'd get away.  He did until they had apparently arrived home.  Before going in the house, Derek loosened one of the balloons - his dad lunged for it, but Derek stopped him saying, "No Daddy.  That one is for Papa Joe."

He continues to ask questions and try to understand where and why isn't Papa Joe here.

Crying Myself To Sleep

I cried myself to sleep last night.  That was the first time in quite awhile that that has happened.  I think I am evolving into a new phase of my grieving process.  I haven't really stopped crying since the day Joe died.  I only take vacations from it.  I may go for a few days before I really have a good cry or I may have tears well up, but this crying last night was different.

For the last two weekends, I've had the opportunity for some contemplative thinking.  It's all been hinging on the downloading of pictures and sorting through paperwork, etc.  I had no where that I needed to be the previous weekend, so that gave me two whole days for this to take place and it was mental torture.  Mental torture in the sense that it brought out feelings I hadn't had to face in either several weeks or never.  This weekend, I'd kept myself so busy in order that this wouldn't be repeated, but those feelings hit me again yesterday. 

I miss Joe.  Simply said I miss Joe so badly at times.  I really missed him last night after crawling into bed after my nightly prayer.  This was the first time I'd cried myself to sleep in a long time.  The longing to snuggle up behind him or have him come up behind me and cradle my head as he wrapped his arms around me was so very strong last night.  And it hurt to know it can't happen anymore and it brings such pain to my heart. I just wish I could cradle his head between my hands and kiss that sweet face and see him smile.  Even writing about it now, I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and can hardly swallow because of the lump in my throat.

This is a different type of crying.  I think my mind is finally coming to terms and realization that this is a permanent.  I originally cried because of the shock, the horror, the nightmarish circumstances.  Now I think it's the realization of the permanence of knowing Joe is gone.

One of the speakers at the Time Out For Women in early May in Billings had lost his wife to cancer in the last year.  His name is Michael Wilcox  and the title of his presentation was Laying Hold on Every Good Thing.  The description of his talk was...It is the Lord's desire that we find and do good during our time on earth. And He has provided a compass or map to help us know how. If we use the compass of His word, He will direct us to every good thing of life that will enrich our mortal experience, prepare us for eternity, and bring us happiness now and forever.

He said after his wife died, he prayed, "Father in heaven, why do we have to lose the things we love?  and He said, it is the way of things.  That is how we learn how much we love.  That is how we learn what to value, but don't always be said because I can bring good out of even this."

Temple Day With Aunt Ruth and David

Aunt Ruth, David, Corey and I went to the temple that morning while Nikki and Derek were attending a Primary activity.  Then we all met together for dinner that afternoon at Tucano's.

B. J. Still Grieves

One of the places that B.J. spends most of his time is lying in front of the door looking out.  Even if the door is closed, many times he lies there.  I think he's still looking for Joe.

Cleanup In The Backyard

 

So there I was with a backyard full of piles of dog poop, leaves that needed, trees that neede pruning and just clearing up trash that had blown in.  That's when the the Young Men and their leaders, including the Bishop and the former Bishop showed up and cleaned up the back yard for me.

 

 

I only thought it fitting that I served ice cream floats and cookies when they finished.

Family Pictures