Random Thoughts

- I was driving to work yesterday when I heard the sound of an ambulance siren.  I had to pull over to the side of the street to let it pass.  As it did, a wave of sadness swept over me and I began to cry.  How many times had one made a visit to my home?  And then I remembered following an ambulance that last final time.  It's these little moments of reality that knock me back a step or two.

- Sleep has once again taken a new turn.  I find myself staying up until unbelievable hours of the morning.  And, when I finally do force myself into bed, my mind won't shut off and I realize I'm thinking about the oddest things - things I haven't thought about for years or just playing things over and over in my mind.  It was on one of these nights that I realized that my relationship with Joe was exactly eight years from the time we met until the time of his death.

- I have come to realize how insensitive people can be sometimes when it comes to death - more exactly the insensitivity of what people have said to me.  And the most hurtful things have more than often come from some family members. 

- I don't share my feelings with others like I used to.  I am trying to move on inwardly when I feel my loss and sorrow. I've done so much reading about grief since Joe's passing.  I've done lots of praying.  I've been trying to understand how I should be healing and reacting and as far as I can tell, I'm normal?

- One thing that I don't find myself worrying about is paying my bills.  Oh, I admit that in the beginning it was an almost paralyzing thought that I'd lost one of my monthly incomes.  However, I've come to gain a BIG testimony of paying my tithing.  Somehow everything always seems to work out.  My landlord was temporarily reducing my rent for three months and he's decided to leave the reduction in place.  Will it be forever?  I don't know, but I'm not going to worry about it.  He knows my situation and wants to keep me as a renter.  And, Joe's family has been very generous and gracious in sending me some extra monies to help.  I've been quite fortunate that even with the visitors from out of state and the extra trips and expenses to Utah and Colorado, I have managed to still pay my bills.  In fact, my bills for the upcoming month have been paid usually by the end of the current month.  I also secured a ticket to fly to Georgia for a week using my frequent flyer miles.  And, I still had a few (very few) miles leftover and I'm flying in and out of Casper so no trip to Denver for me this time.   I don't hardly grocery shop anymore as I have so much here or people still tend to feed me either in their home or at a restaurant.  And, by the beginning of next year, I should be totally debt free and only have my monthly living expenses.   Yes, I do have a testimony of tithing.

- I'm never afraid of being by myself - even at night.  I've never been given a cause to be scared.  I go to bed each night with a knowledge that my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  At least when I finally make it to my bed.