For Nancy - 11 Years Later

To A Child Gone by Carol Lynn Pearson

I thought I was ahead of you in line.
You would take your turn
After I took mine,
Like we did before.

I guess you don't need new shoes
For starting heaven,
Or a light left on against the dark
The way I always did.
But I'm so used to parenting.
I wanted just to be there-
To do whatever needed to be done.

But you went first.
And now, my little one,
Suddenly you are my senior.
Morning, I know, will come.
But, bring close your light-
This time it is I who fear the night.

Remembering Timothy

Timothy would have been 11 years old today and I'm quite sure spoiled rotten.  He would have spent many a nap on the bosom of Grandmother, toddled behind his Granddaddy as he walked out to get the newspaper, learned cooking and gardening skills from his mother and how to be a great scout and handyman helper with his dad all the while brushing his blond curls away from his sweaty brow.  Lastly, he would have been lovingly passed around like a big bag of peanut M&M's between his sisters and his brothers and his aunts and his uncle and surrounded by a very large circle of cousins.

But we never got the opportunity to know Timothy.  For some reason, he was too pure to live on earth.  The Prophet Joseph Smith said, “The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”

After all these years, I still reflect upon the day he left us.  I still get very emotional when I remember with honor the task Nancy requested from me.  It is by far the hardest gift of service I've ever done in my life, but what an extreme blessing it was.   (I wrote about that day in my blog entitled "In Remembrance of Timothy" dated 5/31/08).

How grateful I am for the understanding of the gospel and knowing that we can truly be together forever.   What a wonderful experience it will be to someday again be able to meet Timothy.

Timothy

On my way back from the Jacksonville Airport the other day, I had to go through Waycross. Every time I go through Waycross, I have to stop and visit Timothy's grave.

As I stood there, I realized that that might be the last time I ever had that chance so it was very special to me. But then, Timothy was a very special baby and taught his Aunt Carol many things about life and death and I will be eternally grateful for that.

In Remembrance of Timothy

Shown is a portion of a letter written to a friend of mine who was living in Utah at the time.

I had a conversation with Nancy the other day and she reminded me that Timothy would have been 8 years old tomorrow. Time has a way of making our heartache disappear, but I can't imagine that her heartache will ever really disappear since I've never lost a child. Chances are the family would all be gathering for his baptism next Saturday if he was still alive - another opportunity to celebrate another family milestone. Think of the priesthood circle for his confirmation. The front pew would need to be removed to hold all the family priesthood bearers. What a large family Timothy would be a part of too. He'd be an uncle, have lots of little nieces and one little nephew. Has it really been eight years? Life has certainly moved on, but with it has come joy and sorrow for all remaining members of the Cattell clan.

Probably one of the most important times I've ever spent with Nancy was in the lobby of the hospital one night. We had just come down from upstairs visiting Susan who'd had gall bladder surgery. As we were about to go outside, Nancy said she wanted to talk to me and so we sat down. It was then that she asked me to "tell me about my baby". It broke my heart for her to say that. This was only a couple of days after she'd buried her baby and it was at that time that I realized she'd had no time to grieve for her baby. People had been with her almost constantly since his death - lots of well-meaning people. But, she'd had no time for herself. At that time in that lobby I realized that that was probably the closest she'd come to alone time and now she wanted to know about Timothy. I also realized at that time that I had had more alone time with Timothy than even his own mother and now I could share my time with her.

I have always felt so blessed by that small child. Though his time here on earth was not meant to be, he taught me more about living and dying in one evening and made me face some of my fears more than anyone else had been able to do. That sweet baby made me appreciate even more my life and my family.

Happy birthday Timothy - Aunt Carol still loves you and misses you.