"Someday when you are a mother..."

The evening before my 17th birthday, according to my diary "Mom and I had a fight and she left. Later we made up and are friends. Mom wrote me a letter and I wrote her one."

I ran across the letter she wrote that night. I can't believe that I've saved it all these years - 39 years to be exact and almost to the day. It's really amazing that I read this letter at this time. It goes along so well with an adult Sunday school lesson I taught in the last week. The lesson was about how parents try to advise and guide their children of what not to do since the parents may have already done the same things. Parents want to save their children from making mistakes. My mother wanted to save me from heartache and making mistakes, but as a 16 year old - soon to be a 17 year old, I didn't want to hear it. Sound familiar to any of you?

Anyway, here is my mom's love letter to me dated Sunday night, July 27, 1969 while living in Valdosta...

"Dearest Carol,

As I sit here to write you a few of the things that are in my heart, first of all let me say "I do love you very much", in fact more than you will ever understand until you have a daughter of your own someday.

On this the eve of your 17th birthday, I'm thankful to my Heavenly Father that he has blessed me with a wonderful daughter like you. Because you are sweet and beautiful in my eyes.

Carol, please forgive me for being rough on you, but you are my first-born and a part of me. I'll always be more harsh with you than the others not because I love you more or less, but because you are the first one. It's awfully hard on me having you grow up. You see I still want to make all of your decisions (but this is wrong of me). You have to start making your own decisions as this is a part of growing up. I want to keep you always safe with me. Since I know of the many pitfalls that can happen to you, I don't want anyone to hurt you. But then I hurt you myself. Let me say I think it is harder on mothers to see their children grow up than it is on fathers. This too you will understand some day.

Carol, I do want you to have fun and enjoy life, but the more things you do, the farther away from me you get. This makes me sad. But I know I must cut loose the apron strings some so please have patience with me and I promise to try hard.

For there is nothing I want more for you than a happy home of your own someday with the priesthood within and Heavenly Father to be your dictator.

Just always remember I do love you even when I'm unhappy and fuss at you.

Someday when you are a mother, then you will understand all things better.

May Heavenly Father continue to bless you is my prayer. Have faith and patience and the right boy will come along for you.

Happy Birthday!!

Love ya,

Mother "
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Was Mom right? Would I one day understand when I had a daughter? Well, yes and no. I never had a daughter, but I did understand what my mom was trying to say. You do want to make decisions for your child since as a parent you do know better, you do want to protect and keep your children safe. Corey was my first born - my only child, my only chance to be a mother, my "heir with no spare" and I didn't want anything bad to ever hurt him. Did I save him from the pain of life's experiences? No, but somewhere along the way with the help of many, many people, he turned out to be a fantastic person!

My Baby Book

It's been fun running across old things I've had stashed away when I've been looking for things to write about in my blogs.

This was my cloth baby book that I used to play with with I was at least a year old since the copyright on the material is shown as 1953.

Dear Diary (excepts from my old diaries)

January 26, 1966

Dear Diary, I wore hoses for the first time. In the end I had a run in one.

(Boy have times changed. Pantyhose was one of the greatest inventions since sliced bread. No more having to wear a garter belt and attach the nylons while bent over in some grotesque shape, sweating cause we had no air conditioning. Now even pantyhose hardly get worn anymore).

March 4, 1969

Dear Diary, So many things happened today. Most important is that I got my driver's license. The test was really easy but boy was I scared.

March 9, 1969

Dear Diary, Elder Sterling W. Sill was at conference today to dedicate the chapel in Pensacola. He is really a good speaker. The poor man though, he was feeling sick today and had a case of nausea. He had to excuse himself when talking in the first session and in second session, he didn't even come back he was so sick. The thing about it is that he was going to Birmingham, Alabama to a conference later this afternoon. I got his autograph, shook his hand and talked to him.

My Graduation

With all the graduations taking place in the last few weeks, I decided to bite the bullet and tell a little something about my own graduation. I can describe it in three words "I HATED IT"! But, one of the greatest things about my graduation was that Mr. Bill and his wife, Carol, came from South Carolina to attend my graduation.

I may have said it in an earlier blog, but it bears repeating...I hated high school. I went to two high schools since Dad was in the Air Force - one in Niceville, Florida (Eglin AFB) and Valdosta, Georgia (Moody AFB). I never got to know anyone real well so I had no high school friends. I was the poster child of "Wall Flowers". I was invisible, I doubt anyone would remember me. I was never so happy to see my night of graduation come so that I could move on to bigger and better things beyond high school and Valdosta, Georgia. And I did...I got friends, I went places, people definitely got to know who I was and I wasn't shy anymore!

For My Dad, Jim

Tomorrow is Father's Day. I've thought about what I would say on this blog for some time. What could I say to explain the love and admiration I have with my dad? He has always been the rock and the foundation of our family. I've always believed and respected everything he said. I may not have always liked what he said, but I always knew he had my best interest at heart.

I've been going through old pictures and papers that I've had stored away and ran across this poem that I wrote to Dad for Father's Day back in 1962. (Click on it and it will enlarge if you really want to read it).

I think I've had a more bonding relationship with my dad probably in the last ten years. That's when my life started making such drastic changes after my first marriage ended. My dad gave me the stability I needed and wanted and he also was a good example of what being a honest, devoted and loving man was and should be. Without his help, guidance and advice, I don't know where or what I would have done.

My two favorite times that I've spent with my dad that come immediately to my mind are:

- When I was a senior in high school I was having a hard time with my classes. There was a lot of pressure being put on me for my graduation requirements since I'd moved from a Florida high school to my new Georgia high school. State requirements were different and, therefore, I was required to take certain classes in order to graduate. I felt I was having a great deal of stress and during one of my conversations with Dad about all this he took me out for a talk. He took me to a nearby Dairy Queen, bought us an ice cream cone and we proceeded to discuss my problems. I don't remember the conversation, but I do remember how that time alone with him made me able to get through my senior year. In fact, I was on the Honor Roll the entire year.

- In early 2008, I had the opportunity of playing chauffeur to Dad when he needed to go to Atlanta for some extensive eye tests. We started off in Macon, came home that day and then left at 3:30 a.m. the next morning to be in Atlanta by 8:00 a.m. We arrived with absolutely no problems on the other side of Atlanta. In fact, we had to wait for about a hour and a half until his appointment and it was a very, very cold day. Anyway, we found out that we were going to have to spend the night so other tests could be run. We figured that might be a possibility, so we'd packed overnight bags. We found us a hotel room and then went to dinner. Next morning we went back to Dad's appointment and then headed home.

I loved the opportunity of doing this for Dad. I always felt it was meant for me to have this time with him. I was still unemployed, so taking time from work was not a problem; I knew Atlanta very well after living there for awhile. In fact, the doctor's office was located in the area I used to live and work. So, we never got lost and made all appointments on time.

This was also the first time in many, many years that I'd spent alone with my dad for a period of time. In fact, I can't remember the last time I'd eaten dinner alone with Dad. What a wonderful experience it was for me.

I've known that my dad always loved my mother. He was never an affectionate man, but he always kissed my mother hello and goodbye. (I remember he used to ask her to remove her hand from his knee when driving). But I'd never heard him tell her he loved her. In fact, he'd never told any of us he loved us. I think it was that strong Quaker upbringing he had growing up. I pointed that fact out to him a few years ago and he now tells us he loves us. I always knew he did, but it's nice to hear it from his lips.

My dad has been a righteous priesthood bearer. I'm grateful for the many blessings he has given me during my life time whether it's been a healing blessing, a blessing given at the beginning of each and every school year, a blessing given on my wedding day, blessings when I needed comfort, etc. He's been an example to my own child when he needed a good father figure and comfort and advice.

I've never heard an unkind thing said about my dad - wish the same were true for me. He seems to know everyone and everyone seems to know him. I've always said that if you look in the dictionary under the word "patriarch", his picture would be there. And, that is the way it should be. In the words of Corey "Granddad is the glue that holds this family together". I love you Dad!

My One and Only Prom

That's what I said...My one and only prom and it wasn't even my own high school prom and I was no longer in high school.

My date was Clayton Freeman. I attended Valdosta High School and he attended Lowndes County High School. Rival high school, too. Anyway, Clayton and I started dating each other when I had graduated from high school. He was a member of the Church and I had the biggest crush on him. I never considered that I was in love with him although we had a relationship that lasted for more than two years. When he left to go on his mission to Fiji, we continued to write to each other. And, the night that he was released as a missionary, he called me and said he wanted to see me the first night he got back in Valdosta. We did see each other, he wanted to get married and I didn't. I considered myself still too young and there was a big world out there to explore without being married. So, I broke his heart and I later moved to New Jersey with the family.

Clayton was a wonderful person. He is the first guy that I ever dated. I remember he took me to see "Love Story" with Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw. It was a great chick flick and I admire him for taking me. He gave me a bracelet that had my name engraved on the top and his underneath. (I think I still have that bracelet in my jewelry box). I have nothing but fond memories of Clayton other than the time he hurt my feelings at a summer Youth Conference in Tallahassee, but we got over that. The last I heard about Clayton was that he'd married a girl I knew and they later divorced. Wonder what he's doing now? Just curious.

But, back to the prom...I made the dress I'm wearing. I used to design and make all my own clothes - I loved doing that. And, I was standing on the bottom step as Clayton was much taller than me. He gave me an orchid coursage, we went to the prom and had a wonderful time. So, that was my one and only prom.

This is my heartthrob picture of Clayton all dressed up in his 1970's attire. He was good-looking. The other picture was taken at Reed Bingham State Park in Adel in either 1970 or 1971. It was while Dad was in Vietnam and this was a family outing that Mom allowed Clayton to be a part of. That's Nancy sitting on the kiddie ride.

In Remembrance of Timothy

Shown is a portion of a letter written to a friend of mine who was living in Utah at the time.

I had a conversation with Nancy the other day and she reminded me that Timothy would have been 8 years old tomorrow. Time has a way of making our heartache disappear, but I can't imagine that her heartache will ever really disappear since I've never lost a child. Chances are the family would all be gathering for his baptism next Saturday if he was still alive - another opportunity to celebrate another family milestone. Think of the priesthood circle for his confirmation. The front pew would need to be removed to hold all the family priesthood bearers. What a large family Timothy would be a part of too. He'd be an uncle, have lots of little nieces and one little nephew. Has it really been eight years? Life has certainly moved on, but with it has come joy and sorrow for all remaining members of the Cattell clan.

Probably one of the most important times I've ever spent with Nancy was in the lobby of the hospital one night. We had just come down from upstairs visiting Susan who'd had gall bladder surgery. As we were about to go outside, Nancy said she wanted to talk to me and so we sat down. It was then that she asked me to "tell me about my baby". It broke my heart for her to say that. This was only a couple of days after she'd buried her baby and it was at that time that I realized she'd had no time to grieve for her baby. People had been with her almost constantly since his death - lots of well-meaning people. But, she'd had no time for herself. At that time in that lobby I realized that that was probably the closest she'd come to alone time and now she wanted to know about Timothy. I also realized at that time that I had had more alone time with Timothy than even his own mother and now I could share my time with her.

I have always felt so blessed by that small child. Though his time here on earth was not meant to be, he taught me more about living and dying in one evening and made me face some of my fears more than anyone else had been able to do. That sweet baby made me appreciate even more my life and my family.

Happy birthday Timothy - Aunt Carol still loves you and misses you.