Three Months, Two Weeks, Six Days...

...that's how old Derek is today according to the fancy little counter widget I added to my blog some time ago. But then who's counting? ME! Days keep going by and recently I told Joe how much I miss not getting to spend time with Derek. I have felt such a strong longing to get to know my grandchild, but circumstances prevent that at this time. So, I am thrilled when I receive the newest, latest picture via my cell phone or the phone rings and in the background I hear either a cooing or crying little voice. Derek has fantastic parents though who do their best to keep Joe and me updated with the latest changes that are happening in their new lives.

It has been a little over a month since I last held him, but I can still remember how he felt when he snuggled up against my neck and the sweetness of his neck when kissed there. I've said I would give up chocolate permanently just to have the opportunity to kiss and hold him daily or at least on a regular basis. Most of my friends who have already experienced being a grandmother tried to warn me how grandchildren change your lives and your perception of children. They weren't kidding. One of the things that amazed me the most was watching my own child hold his child with the kind of love and affection that had for him. I loved watching the gentleness of Nikki and the look that would come over her face when talking to Derek or while she nursed him. I have no doubt that Derek is loved by him parents.

Yes, my ticket is booked for another flight to Utah in October, but by then Derek will be eight months old - no longer a small baby. Children grow so fast and I know he won't stay small for long. But, at least Joe and I had the opportunity to spend some time with him. I just know that I don't want the kind of relationship with Derek that Joe has with his granddaughters. For whatever reason they may have, Joe's children don't call him - he calls them when he wants to speak with them. And, never in the entire time since we've married has he ever received a phone call from any of his granddaughters to speak to "Grandpa". I cannot begin and don't want to imagine what that would be like. Not only would it be painful to bear, but I can only imagine the grief I would suffer. I know that I am so blessed with a loving son and a truly wonderful daughter who keep us involved as much as possible considering the distance.

My favorite memory with Derek thus far is the afternoon Mom, Joe and I got to babysit while Nikki went to work and before Corey came home. Nikki had put him down for his nap, but after she left he woke up crying not ready to settle down. I went upstairs, tried to calm him and eventually picked him up and rocked him in rocking chair in his room. What a feeling that was. Just him and me, alone and together. Even now thinking about it brings tears to my eyes as I remember the experience of looking into his face and realizing that he is a part of me; that part of me and my child was the next generation. I was as though time had reverted and I was looking into the face of Corey once again. But, I was looking into the face of my new grandson. If I could have frozen that moment in time I would have. I would have frozen it long enough to remember that moment for as long as I live. It's a difficult thing to explain and most likely understand unless you've been the parent of an only child and that child is not accessible to you on a regular basis.

I many times feel a small twinge of jealousy for Nancy as she has her grandchildren in close proximity and sees them on a regular basis. One day it will be time to make a change - just not now. For now it's important to me to be here and love my own parents for as long as possible. One day it will be time to make that move out West and when it is...Look out Corey and Nikki and Derek and whoever may have come along by that time. But until then, keep those pictures and phone calls coming!!! :)

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About the picture - I ran across this one tonight. It's me and when I turned it over it had my name and birthdate written on the back, as well as my age at the time. My age at the time is the same age as Derek is at this time. Maybe it's just me, but it sure favors a certain little baby living in Utah. What do you think?

A "Grandmother Pang"

Nikki and Corey though you may never know what a "grandmother pang" is, I want to try and explain it for you.

Earlier today you attempted to send me new pictures of Derek just in time to spread around at church for some weekly brag time for me. Unfortunately, the pictures were too large for my telephone and I was unable to open the files. When I called Corey about this, he suggested I check your website as Nikki was going to add more pictures to your blog.

Happily, and very excited to see new pictures of Derek, I hurried home to get on my computer to check them out. How wonderful the first picture was - you with Derek sleeping on your chest. The second picture - Derek wide awake and looking so cute. Then picture three rolled up and my smile froze and my heart began to ache. It was the picture shown above of your mom, his other grandmother holding him and that's when I had my first "grandmother pang". Tears began to roll down my face as I looked at this picture. It wasn't jealousy, it wasn't envy, it wasn't resentment - it was a "grandmother pang". I don't know if there is such a word, but here is my own personal definition...to have a sudden physical hurt, a heart ache, as a result of the inability to share the same space or moment of closeness experienced by others. This particularly occurs when other grandparents are involved and such occurrences are documented visually and can be seen by other grandparents. That was my "grandmother pang".

I am reminded on an almost daily basis how life changes and with those changes we are able to experience happy and sad times. Corey, you are my one and only child no matter how old you are and with it brings the knowledge that I as a mother never had to divide my love for you amongst other children. I loved you from the very moment I found out I was pregnant with you. I fell in love with you immediately when you were placed in my arms and I knew you were my child. When you married Nikki, I had to learn to divide my love with her. It was difficult at first, especially when you wound up moving to Utah, but I grew to love Nikki as my own daughter. I love her first and foremost because she loves you and because she is the mother of your child, my first grandchild and I know she will make a great mother. I know she'll be a great mother because she was raised by wonderful parents who are kind and loving and taught their daughter well.

When I saw that picture this afternoon, it was a sad reminder of some things I miss in your life. Things that happen when your children grow up and begin to have new lives. I had been able to handle being a new grandmother with the earlier pictures and the phone calls. I know that Nikki's parents see Derek often, but seeing the picture of his other grandmother holding him was almost unbearable, as I 've not had that opportunity and won't for several more weeks. That was the "grandmother pang" - the sudden physical hurt that my heart felt when I realized it wasn't me...that Derek knows how she smells, how she feels, how she talks and he knows nothing about me; That she knows how he smells, how he feels, how he coos and she has many opportunities to experience being a grandmother. I had never felt that kind of pain before. Am I crazy for feeling the way I do? I think not. Will I continue to feel this way? Only time will tell. Can I change the way things are? Not presently. So, for right now, I'll look forward to new pictures, phone calls with a crying baby in the background and appreciate that you include us as much as possible. We'll look forward to listening to yours and Nikki's new life experiences and laugh and smile with you and hope that Derek will get to know his other grandparents really well sometime in his life.