How's 2012 Working Out?

I just don't seem to have the time to do what I want to do and if I have the time I don't seem to have the energy.  Before you know if, the year will be over and I'll have to put some of those same ole things on my list again.

Here I am.  Four months into the new year.  Where has the time gone?  What have I accomplished that I wanted to do and still want to do?

Things such as...

• I would love to have the energy to get up each and every morning before Joe starts his day and just take a walk all by myself.  Then come back for a nice little breakfast while reading my scriptures and/or my Ensign and a hot shower and then get ready for work.  I would love to lose half of my body weight.
• I would love to blog everyday.  My mind gets so full of things I'd love to say, that I'd love to record, that I'd love to pass on to my son and grandchildren.  I'd love to be able to just take the time and talk with my parents and write down some of their thoughts, their memories so that I can get to know them better.
• I'd love to be able to waste some time by logging onto pinterest.com and just spend some time browsing on there everyday.  Then I'd love to be able to create and make some of the things that catch my interest.
• I'd love to be able to wash my white clothes and fold and put them away on every other day and do my colored clothes the in between days.
• I would love to go to bed every night and get a full, undisturbed night's sleep.  This means not worrying that when I did go to sleep Joe wouldn't get up and get into and do something he shouldn't be doing.
• I would love to have more contact with my kids and grandson as I feel as though they are slipping away from my life.  I sometimes feel as though I need them more than they need me.  And, I suppose as time goes by it will become even more so as Derek gets older.
• I would love that each morning when I leave my house that all is in its place as it should be.
• I would love to get the typing done of the Vietnam letters by Dad by Thanksgiving.
• I would love to have some free time each evening by myself just to decompress from the day.
• I would love to fly back to Georgia about every six months to visit with family.  I would also love to be able to go to the temple at least every six months.
• I would love just to be able to read a book - not  a church book, but go to the library and check out a real book and read it.

I guess I got to thinking a little more about this after Joe and I had dinner with some friends.  We had been invited to their home for dinner.  When I asked what time we should arrive, the response was "6:00.  We always eat at 6:00."  This couple always seems to have it together.  They have a beautiful home which is impeccably decorated.  Both are retired from their jobs.  They appear to lack for nothing.  And, it appears that they have plenty of time to do whatever they want.  And they always eat at 6:00.  How did they get to that stage in their lives and why am I where I am?  Really, I don't need anyone to analyze my question and give me an answer.   I know my life is different from theirs because:

• My first marriage didn't last and caused everything that I worked for and hoped for a total of 23 years to be taken away from me.  Primarily any financial security that I had.
• My second marriage has caused such instability that normalcy will never happen.
• Too many job losses in the last four years have made such a deep impact on starting all over again.  Starting to save money, trying to save my home and struggling to plan for the unknowns of getting older.
• I'll still be working or trying to earn some money when most others will most likely be retiring.

All in all though, life is pretty darn good.  I've still got 7-8 more months of this year to accomplish some of my goals.  So, I'll just keep plugging along and see how it all turns out in the end.

P.S. to It's 2012

I want things to improve so well this year that conversations with friends and family will not start off...

"How's Joe doing"?  I want things to be so improved in both our lives that people will say, "Well, what have you been up to Carol"?

(Note:  It's coincidental that I wrote that earlier.  I was reading a daily excerpt from "Daily Comforts for Caregivers" when I read this..."People are always asking me how my loved one is doing.  I'm glad they care enough to ask.  I wish sometimes they would ask about me as well.  I could use a show of concern.

It seems odd that I'm feeling a little jealous over the attention being given to the person I care for.  I wouldn't want to loved one's shoes.  Yet, although my problems might seem small by comparison, I'm having a difficult time, too.  The problems my loved one experiences are more apparent than mine".

I can honestly say that there have been very few people who have really looked me in the eye and asked me how I am doing and whom I have felt have really meant it.  Don't get me wrong, people are concerned and I am grateful that they do ask about Joe and then me as an afterthought.   However, I am beginning to believe that unless you have truly lived and experienced having to care for someone virtually 24/7, you will never be able to understand.  I never really understood before Joe's problems.  I never really understood what my dad was/is going through with my mom.  I admit that I had even judged my own father harshly at times for things he said or did to my mom.  Now we talk to each other on a regular basis, share common problems and try to solve problems that may come up.  One thing I have over him is that I am so lucky to have a friend who has already gone through this before and she is there as a mentor, a sounding board and someone to give me hugs and "comfort and joy" cookies on really bad days).

It's 2012

I can't believe it's already seven days into the new year.  So much for starting those new plans and resolutions at the beginning of the year.  I'll just justify that by saying I'm doing more contemplating and pondering on how to implement the ones I want to keep and how to rationalize getting rid of the ones that I'm probably going to wimp out on anyway. 

A new year is supposed to be a sign of promise, of hope.  I know that hope won't come from focusing on the uncertain nature of either Joe's or my daily situations.  The truth is, that it is possible to find hope if I trust in the generosity of life - my Heavenly Father, my family, my friends.  Not that I can expect any particular outcome just because I want it.  But I can expect to find help and understanding in every situation I face, now matter how difficult the circumstances may seem, IF I am aware of and ask for that help and understanding.  My dad tells me all the time to "stop denying others their blessings from service.  I don't have to do everything myself". 

At the beginning of the new year I've always tried to determine what my "word of the year" will be.  Let's just take stock of previous years before announcing this year's new word, huh?

2009 - Adjustment - To see what my impending adjustments were anticipated to be, you can go to the article and read about it and see how it all turned out - http://jocarweaver.blogspot.com/2010/01/my-word-for-this-year-is.html.

2010 - Patience - http://jocarweaver.blogspot.com/2011/01/word-of-year-2011.html.  Hmm, still need to work on that one.

2011 - Joy - How'd that work out for me?  By and large not too good at all!  Thank goodness 2011 is over and done with.  Now it's time to move on to my new word for 2012...(drum roll)

And the word is CHANGE! (Please no alluding to President Obama's campaign slogans)!  The definition of change in my situation is...

1. The act, process, or result of altering or modifying (I want at least one hour of quiet time alone in the morning.  I can spend that time reading and/or doing some exercise without having to attend to Joe.  I want to read a book, a magazine, anything!  I want to be able to have Joe tucked into bed by 10:00 each night so that I can finish up my day with at least one hour of quiet time to reflect on the day by blogging or reading).: a change in facial expression.  (I want to smile more and really mean it).

2. The replacing of one thing for another (changing up routines at home, i.e., spending so much time with Joe and not spending alone time for me at the computer.  I want to get back to blogging on a regular basis.  I want to get my book project completed by Christmas this year.; substitution: a change of atmosphere (a new job with benefits that will work with me when Joe has medical commitments).

3. A transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another (I want to continue to stay one step ahead of Joe's needs so that I don't continue to feel like his mother or his maid.  I want to find and experience more love for him).

4. Something different; variety. ( I want to be able to attend a class or go to a meeting or have lunch with a friend without feeling guilty). 

So, let's get back together again at the beginning of 2013 and see if I was fortunate enough to have accomplished what I wanted to this year.