The Weekend

It's Friday night.  I walked into the house tonight and it's almost like I'm standing at one end of a very long, dimly lit hall.  The weekend looms like something to be dreaded, yet wanted at the same time.  I could most likely call someone and suggest going out to dinner or a movie or have someone come over, but then I've been nice and cheery to people all day, all week.  I'm emotionally spent,  It's hard during the work week because though my heart still can still break and ache at the most inopportune times, I have to keep my emotions in check...I'm a professional, I'm paid to do a job and honestly the job is what has kept my functioning as a "normal" person.

During the week, I think of all the things I'd like to get down over the weekend.  I have my list of things to accomplish, but it can be left on the counter and nothing get checked off.  I have things I want to do...apparently later than sooner.  I have a burning desire to puts thoughts to paper since my head seems on the verge of over-flowing with things I need, that I want to express.  But, I don't get it done. If I do start writing something, I generally become overcome with grief that all I can do is sit and sob.

I want, I need to get on with living a "normal" life.  I want, I need to start reading books again.  I want, I need to find something to help fill my time, something to make me feel fulfilled.  I want, I need something to bring some creativity, some joy back into my life so that it all becomes as natural as breathing.

It's the quietness of the house that gets to me sometimes.  The quietness is both a curse and a blessing.  There is such a loneliness without Joe.  There is the loss of knowing I don't hear his voice and see him.  There is the loss of planned daycations, of shared experiences and memories. 

When I make it through Friday night and all day Saturday, then Sunday becomes so very difficult.  I used to look forward to going to church with Joe.  He always looked so good, smelled so wonderful and I loved being able to sit together and hold hands.  Now it's sometimes a very painful experience because of those memories. 

I know that in time things will become easier.  I know that my Heavenly Father does not want me to continue to cry and hurt.  Unfortunately, that time has not yet arrived.