My husband...

One of the first things I realized this morning when I woke up is that a common phrase in my life for the past year and a half has been changed.  It's a silly realization, but it does go to show that life does move forward.

The latter part of 2012, I could say in conversation..."my husband just recently died" or "my husband just died _____ months ago."  Then during 2013, I could say "my husband passed away last year."

I became aware of how life does and moves forward.  Now there is no simple or standard marking of time regarding Joe's death like there previously was.  Now it'll just be "my husband passed away".  In a few months it will be two years since his death.  Two years!  Where has the time gone?  No longer will my life be defined by something stating that his death is new and raw.  I have passed through this last year of the last of the "firsts".  I lived through the last of the first New Year's without Joe; the first Valentine's Day and most profoundly, the anniversary of the first year of his death.  There are no more calendar "firsts".

I have now made several trips to Utah by myself.  There have been those occasions when I have stretched my arm over to the passenger seat and placed my hand where his leg would have been.  I have felt on those rare moments, his presence with me and it has brought comfort and tears to me.

I started going on "daycations" again with dear friends who shared those experiences with me.  It was difficult in the beginning visiting places that we had once visited and having that rush of memories flood my mind.  Thank goodness I was blessed with understanding friends who respected those moments though they could not fully understand them.

I am getting out a little more.  I still find it difficult to attend "couple"-related get together at church.  I went to one and felt like a caged rabbit ready to bolt at a moments notice.  Though a sweet friend came to my rescue and assured me I would survive, I've not been able to bring myself to go to another one.  Maybe that will change this year - maybe it won't.

No matter what though, this is my year.  This is my year to start feeling comfortable in my skin and my life.  Though life is still scary, I know that I can survive whatever because I've already been through the worse.