It’s been 290 days since my life as I knew it changed. Another way of looking at it is it being 6,960 hours. That begins with the day of Joe’s heart attack and today which ironically enough is Friday, the 13th.
It’s taken this long for me to finally feel as though I, am finally coming out on the other side of the last 290 days. I’ll be the first to admit that I can only understand to an extent what this has been for Joe, but this is my blog, so I’m writing this from my perspective.
I will be the first to thank those friends and family who have helped out in so many, many ways during those 6,960 hours. Fortunately, those wonderful friends and family have not lived with me for all that time and can never, ever begin to know how I have had to live my life, to make adjustments - permanent and temporary. And, I would hope that not one of them would have to experience my last 290 days because then that would mean life changing events for them also.
When Joe entered the hospital for the first time and each ensuing time, he left a portion of himself there. With each and every medical emergency, he lost more and more of his independence and ability to think and care for himself. Consequently, that responsibility became more and more mine.
Our way of living and life changed tremendously. Dispensing of medication changed, visits to doctors increased, personalities changed, no longer could we just pick up and go somewhere without extensive preparations being made, attending social functions decreased and even became non-existent at times, even going to church regularly depended upon the day-by-day experiences, my work became difficult and stressful and worrisome due to the distance away from our home and Joe and working while he was hospitalized, sleep habits were severely altered, normal conversations sometimes became recycled conversations, there was the stress of finances and the mounting bills, there was the underlying fear of anticipating what might happen next and the list could go on and on and on.
Thankfully things have and are improving. Though I did lose my job due to a layoff in mid-January, there has not been one single medical emergency take place now for 113 days or, in other words 4,520 hours. And, each day of improvement is taken with a great deal of gratitude and hopefulness of continued improvement. I acknowledge and know that my Heavenly Father is aware of all that I’ve experienced during these last months. I know that He loves me and that all these things are for my good. I may not know what lessons I’m supposed to learn or I may not understand why all these things have happened, but I do know that I have learned lessons I never thought I would have to experience at this point in my life.
D&C 122:7 And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.
I expressed to a dear friend this week that I feel as though I am finally coming out of the other side. I feel as though I’ve been down in the bottom of a deep hole or ravine and it’s taken a very, very long time to claw my way up the side. I am finally able to hold myself up enough so that my head is out of the hole and my eyes can see other things on the other side. I can see the sun beginning to shine.
For the first time in 290 days, I went to lunch with a group of friends while my sweet husband was eating lunch and taking Tai Chi classes with other people – non-medical people – and I was not worrying about him. I was so happy to know that finally he, too, was coming out on the other side. That he, too, was having lunch with friends and not worrying about me. How special was it to get back together that evening and share what we’d done during the time we were away from each other. How nice it was to go to a live show and be able to sit there the entire time and truly enjoy the performance. There was no rushing somewhere to care for Joe’s needs.
For the first time in 290 days, I am finally getting a much better night’s sleep. I’m still not sleeping though the night, but I’m not afraid to sleep any longer.
For the first time in 290 days, I’m not hurrying off to the store and trying to return within a very few moments because something might happen to Joe while I’m gone. In fact, Joe is going more places with me and even if he doesn’t have the strength to go inside, he’s willing to sit in the car and wait just so we can spend more time together.
For the first time in 290 days, I am seeing a spring in Joe’s step that has been missing. I’m seeing a person who is ready to get back out in the world. I’m seeing a twinkle in his eye and conversation in his voice that has been missing. I am seeing at least a bigger portion of the man I once knew.
Is everything going well every day for us? Not all the time. We still have a long way to go to repair the dimples in our relationship, to gain our own independence , to be able to have our own non-shared experiences and still have our shared time together as a couple. Joe has to gain his self-confidence and self-assurance that he can “go it alone” without me when opportunities come around. I have to also let him gain some of that lost independence. We are coming out on the other side and for that I am grateful to continue the climb and claw some more so that one day I can sit on top.
Alma 37:37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.
