Random Thoughts

- I was driving to work yesterday when I heard the sound of an ambulance siren.  I had to pull over to the side of the street to let it pass.  As it did, a wave of sadness swept over me and I began to cry.  How many times had one made a visit to my home?  And then I remembered following an ambulance that last final time.  It's these little moments of reality that knock me back a step or two.

- Sleep has once again taken a new turn.  I find myself staying up until unbelievable hours of the morning.  And, when I finally do force myself into bed, my mind won't shut off and I realize I'm thinking about the oddest things - things I haven't thought about for years or just playing things over and over in my mind.  It was on one of these nights that I realized that my relationship with Joe was exactly eight years from the time we met until the time of his death.

- I have come to realize how insensitive people can be sometimes when it comes to death - more exactly the insensitivity of what people have said to me.  And the most hurtful things have more than often come from some family members. 

- I don't share my feelings with others like I used to.  I am trying to move on inwardly when I feel my loss and sorrow. I've done so much reading about grief since Joe's passing.  I've done lots of praying.  I've been trying to understand how I should be healing and reacting and as far as I can tell, I'm normal?

- One thing that I don't find myself worrying about is paying my bills.  Oh, I admit that in the beginning it was an almost paralyzing thought that I'd lost one of my monthly incomes.  However, I've come to gain a BIG testimony of paying my tithing.  Somehow everything always seems to work out.  My landlord was temporarily reducing my rent for three months and he's decided to leave the reduction in place.  Will it be forever?  I don't know, but I'm not going to worry about it.  He knows my situation and wants to keep me as a renter.  And, Joe's family has been very generous and gracious in sending me some extra monies to help.  I've been quite fortunate that even with the visitors from out of state and the extra trips and expenses to Utah and Colorado, I have managed to still pay my bills.  In fact, my bills for the upcoming month have been paid usually by the end of the current month.  I also secured a ticket to fly to Georgia for a week using my frequent flyer miles.  And, I still had a few (very few) miles leftover and I'm flying in and out of Casper so no trip to Denver for me this time.   I don't hardly grocery shop anymore as I have so much here or people still tend to feed me either in their home or at a restaurant.  And, by the beginning of next year, I should be totally debt free and only have my monthly living expenses.   Yes, I do have a testimony of tithing.

- I'm never afraid of being by myself - even at night.  I've never been given a cause to be scared.  I go to bed each night with a knowledge that my Heavenly Father is watching over me.  At least when I finally make it to my bed.

The Weekend

It's Friday night.  I walked into the house tonight and it's almost like I'm standing at one end of a very long, dimly lit hall.  The weekend looms like something to be dreaded, yet wanted at the same time.  I could most likely call someone and suggest going out to dinner or a movie or have someone come over, but then I've been nice and cheery to people all day, all week.  I'm emotionally spent,  It's hard during the work week because though my heart still can still break and ache at the most inopportune times, I have to keep my emotions in check...I'm a professional, I'm paid to do a job and honestly the job is what has kept my functioning as a "normal" person.

During the week, I think of all the things I'd like to get down over the weekend.  I have my list of things to accomplish, but it can be left on the counter and nothing get checked off.  I have things I want to do...apparently later than sooner.  I have a burning desire to puts thoughts to paper since my head seems on the verge of over-flowing with things I need, that I want to express.  But, I don't get it done. If I do start writing something, I generally become overcome with grief that all I can do is sit and sob.

I want, I need to get on with living a "normal" life.  I want, I need to start reading books again.  I want, I need to find something to help fill my time, something to make me feel fulfilled.  I want, I need something to bring some creativity, some joy back into my life so that it all becomes as natural as breathing.

It's the quietness of the house that gets to me sometimes.  The quietness is both a curse and a blessing.  There is such a loneliness without Joe.  There is the loss of knowing I don't hear his voice and see him.  There is the loss of planned daycations, of shared experiences and memories. 

When I make it through Friday night and all day Saturday, then Sunday becomes so very difficult.  I used to look forward to going to church with Joe.  He always looked so good, smelled so wonderful and I loved being able to sit together and hold hands.  Now it's sometimes a very painful experience because of those memories. 

I know that in time things will become easier.  I know that my Heavenly Father does not want me to continue to cry and hurt.  Unfortunately, that time has not yet arrived.

It Rained

It rained last night.  It was one of those evenings where the first twinges of fall seemed to be creeping in after a very long hot summer.  It started raining sometime before going to bed.  I never heard it at all until shortly before I went to crawl into bed.  I love nights like that...Nights when it's cool, when the window is open and one side of the curtain is pushed aside to catch the breeze.  Then I could really hear the gentle sound of the rain coming down.  It's a rare thing when that happens here in Wyoming.  I rarely have the chance to see it rain at all - there's so little of it.  So, when nights like last night come along, I try to enjoy it as long as possible.

After saying my nightly prayer, I slipped into bed and laid there listening to the steady drip, drip, drip of the rain falling off the side of the house until I finally slipped off into a wonderful night of undisturbed sleep.