Just Thinking...

Since today has been a little calmer for me (and I had that nice sit down lunch), I've had to chance to do a lot of reflecting today. These are some of my thoughts:

• Though I've done considerable traveling on my own and it's never bothered me, I realized today that this is the first time I've been on my own for quite awhile - at least over a year. And, even then, it wasn't for this amount of time. It's really been different for me this time. I miss the company. Though there are many times when I'm at home that I'd love to have some "alone time", it's been lonely not having Joe with me. I think how nice it would be for him to have seen the same beautiful sunset I saw the other evening. How great if he'd seen the same funny, wild animals I've seen at the same time. Though his conversations drive me crazy at times with his political and/or sports observations, I miss him telling me in person how much he loves me. I miss having him share my space.
• I found out by accident about Mom's doctor's visit she had yesterday. Will she/does she really have cancer? If she does, what do I/we/she do? If she doesn't, what do I/we/she do differently? How do I move away and leave the living/the dying to her and the others left behind?
• Why can't I have parents who live forever? Why can't I always have them there for me when I need something...a conversation, a laugh, a blessing, a hug, an encouraging word or anything else they are willling to give?
• When am I going to find out what I'm going to do when I grow up? Why can't I lead a boring, settled life? Why is it necessary that I have such life altering changes be a constant in my life?
• When will I be truly happy every day? Will I ever be truly happy? I do know what makes me happy...my family - Joe, Mom and Dad, Corey and Nikki and definitely Derek. My family members, especially when life is good for them. I love being able to pay my financial obligations, have an interesting, steady and permanent job. I love when I give a great Sunday school lesson. I love my friends and the support I receive from them when I need them.

See what happens when you leave someone on their own for too long, all alone and with a computer?