The Little Bottle of Eye Drops

It's been almost 10 months since Joe passed away and so many things have happened, yet at the same time it seems as though life has sometimes felt as though I'm on automatic co-pilot.

I've had some definite changes occurring in my life this month and I will talk about them at some time in a future blog.  It's been a long time since I've made an entry, but felt that it was necessary to write a little something today while it's on my mind and the feelings are so visible.

Grief is a strange thing.  It has so many facets.  For as many people as there are, there are most likely the same variations of how those people deal with it.  I am moving forward, but every once in a while something happens that makes you stop.  It's like the wind is kicked out of you.  It's like you've run into a brick wall at 100 mph.   That has happened several times and I've not recorded it though I've wanted to because I felt as though it would help me and maybe help someone else one day when they go through the same experience.  I had that little bump in the road experience happen this morning.

I cannot tell you how many times I've opened one of the cabinet doors in the kitchen and taken out a measuring cup.  It's been multiple times since last May.  I've been vaguely aware of a small item sitting quietly on the right hand side.  I've never picked it up.  I've never moved it.  I've never done anything with it until today.  It's a small bottle of dry eye solution eye drops.  Joe had to use this many times because his eyes did not produce enough tears at times.

I picked up that small bottle, looked at it and started to cry.  Then I threw it away.  That simple act may not seem like a big deal to anyone, but it was and is to me.  It's one of those small and seemingly insignificant acts of moving on.  It's tossing something else away that belonged to Joe, that was used by Joe and no longer has a reason for being in our home.  Maybe self-consciously I've kept it around so that I could keep a small piece of Joe.  Why it was thrown away today?  I don't have a good answer other than that maybe today it was meant to happen.

"This is the face...

So I'm sitting watching the series finale of one of my favorite shows tonight.  It's the same show that gave me those bits of wisdom on my recent post entitled "Still Unfinished".    Near the conclusion of the episode one of the characters says something that reminds me of one of those moments I remember with Joe and now I'm here crying.  I hurried to come write about it because I'm afraid that one of these days I might not be able to recall it and that would be so sad.  It's one of those things that would most likely be so very trivial to someone else reading it, but that doesn't matter.  It's my memory and it would be Joe's too. 

I remember the first time that I woke up in bed next to Joe.  I remember looking at his sweet face and placing my hands on his cheeks and saying to him, "This is the face that I could wake up to and see every morning".  And it was.  I loved looking into his beautiful blue eyes and touching his soft skin and kissing his sweet lips.  What pure joy it was when we didn't have to hop right out of bed and we could turn facing each other and spend time just looking into each other's face.  What pure magic that was for me.

Oh, if I could only have that again.  I miss Joe.

Still Unfinished

One thing I'm learning about grief and healing is that I certainly do not understand it.  Just when you think you have a handle on it, it comes up out of nowhere to slap you upside your head. 

For the past few days, I've had a sense of overwhelming concern and unease.  I'd lie in bed and wonder what is the purpose for my life; what is the reason that I'm still around; what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life?  Forget that...what am I supposed to for the next month; the next year?  I get up in the morning, go to work and then come home and start the whole process over and over every day.  Weekends are different now since Joe's not with me.  There's no conversation taking place while I watch tv, no spontaneous trips or outings with him.  Other people are going on with their normal, everyday lives and mine seems to be sputtering at times and I'm going around and around in circles.  Don't get me wrong.  There are those times it is nice to come home and not have to have conversation or interaction without anyone other than the dog.  What is my purpose for the rest of my life?  I'm trying to fill some of my time with volunteer work and my church callings.  I'm looking for other things to give purpose and meaning to my life outside of work.

I was watching television tonight and one segment of the show revolved around a woman who had lost her husband through a heart attack just like Joe.  She, too, was questioning her life just like me.  Her friend on the show gave her a thought that I took great strength from.  This is what he said to her and I present it as though he said it to me...

"You are not done.  You are unfinished.  You, Carol, are a work in progress.  If someone had told you almost nine years ago that you would meet the true love of your live after coming out of a 23 year marriage, you'd have laughed in that person's face.  If someone had told you five years ago that you'd be living in Wyoming, you'd have told them there was no way you were moving from Georgia.  If someone had told you less than a year ago that you'd be a widow, you'd never have believed them.

I don't know what tomorrow brings for you.  It could be nothing.  It could be absolutely anything.  It could be good or it could be bad.  It could be just you and the dog spending time together day in and day out.  I just don't know because you're not done.  You won't know the point of the book until it's written...the book that is your life.  Your life is a work in progress.  So, you Carol Weaver are unfinished".

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Third Day

Everyone starts out the year with New Year's resolutions.  I'm not listing anything I'm specifically trying to do myself.  Others will just have to see if they notice anything better or improved about me by the end of the year.  If they do, they I guess I was a success.  If not, then I don't have to feel like I was a failure.

One thing I'm trying to do is get more organized - more structured - more on a routine.  That applies to getting up the same time in the morning and going to bed at the same time.  I love staying up late at night, but unfortunately that doesn't seem to work when I have to get up to go to work the next morning.

My Christmas decorations are still up, my blog isn't updated - my intentions are running behind.  Hopefully, all will become much more settled by the end of this coming weekend.  Fingers crossed!

Just Say No To New Year's Resolutions

Found this article and thought it was quite good...

It takes twenty-one days to form a new habit and your mind is a powerful tool in helping you form and keep those habits. In fact, our mind is so powerful that, if we don’t stay focused, it will “help” us break our New Year Resolutions within the first week of setting them.

The top New Year's Resolutions, according to usa.gov, last year were:

• Eat Healthy Food
• Get a Better Education
• Get a Better Job
• Get Fit
• Lose Weight
• Manage Debt
• Manage Stress
• Quit Smoking
• Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle
• Save Money
• Take a Trip
• Volunteer to Help Others
• Drink Less Alcohol

Surprising? Not really.

How many times have you set a goal on New Year's Day of what you wanted to accomplish for the year? Probably all of us. How long did it take before you gave up that goal?

The word resolution means “a firm decision to do or not to do something;” however, I suspect that the word actually has the opposite affect on most people. By the end of January, people have typically given up those resolutions and gone back to the status quo, never having actually accomplished what it was that they were really striving for: A Life Change.

Changing the way you see your resolution — not as a goal but as a life style change — will help immensely in your ability to achieve what it is you want to accomplish.

We are going to walk you through some simple things you can do that will help you finally achieve that life style change you have been craving.

1. Positive Thoughts: It’s true what your Grandma told you– “If you think you can, You Can. If you think you can’t, you won’t.” You become what you think and if your thoughts are focused — for the first week of your new goals — on positive and inspiring ones your chances of achieving your goals increase by 50%. Put post-it notes up all over the house saying “I’m powerful and I WILL achieve my goals.”
2. Live in Reality: Don’t put the cart before the horse. In other words: If your end goal is to “be in shape” don’t try to run a marathon before you can walk a mile. Once you have your end goal in mind, you need to set smaller goals that you can accomplish one month at a time. If your end goal is to “be in shape” but your couch has a permanent imprint of your rear, set the goal this month to walk every day for 15 minutes. Once you have accomplished that you can move on to the next level of accomplishing your final goal of “being in shape.” You may need to refine that goal, ultimately, and be more specific in what it is that you want to accomplish. But, “being in shape” is a good beginning.
3. Envision the End Result: It sounds hokey, I know. But it works. Whatever that end goal is that you have — envision yourself accomplishing it. How does it feel? Memorize those feelings. Set a specific date that you want to have your goal accomplished by and write it down. Hang this goal with the specific end date in a prominent place that you will see on a daily basis. This will help keep your goal in the forefront of your mind, making it easier to accomplish. Lets say you want to be able to run a 5k without dying. You need to first find one, that is far enough in the future that you can train for it, and then register for it. You now have something concrete that will help push forward, keep you motivated as well helping you be accountable.
4. Be Like Nike and Just Do It: If you can keep yourself focused for twenty-one days then you will have the beginnings of a new habit– a new lifestyle. Don’t get frustrated or discouraged. Thoughts are the key to your accomplishing your goals– so keep your thoughts upbeat and positive. Negative thoughts are not allowed this year!

Remember: Accomplishing your goals is just like eating an elephant. You CAN accomplish that life style change you are craving one bite at a time.