My Sliding Doors

I believe that each person has at least one "sliding door" episode in their life. It's that time when you made one decision that took you to another point in your life. I think the way our lives are lived kind of remind me of a tree. We are born as a root and then as we move on in life we may venture off onto an interesting limb. Then there's another limb that looks enticing and then another and before we know it, we may have ventured so far from the middle of the tree that we don't remember or can never get back to what we were originally heading to. That doesn't mean it's bad. It just means our original course has been altered. Several years ago I saw an excellent movie that was an example of that called "Sliding Doors".

Helen Quilley works in PR for a big London company...at least, for the first five minutes of the film. After she is sacked for taking some of the boss's Smirnoff, she heads back down to the Underground to catch the train to take her back to her flat. But as she runs down, we suddenly see her life split off. In one version, she catches the train and in the second, she misses it. Throughout the rest of the film we see what would have happened in each scenario. Her whole life changes in that split second. When she catches the train, she meets a charming man called James and gets home to find her boyfriend Gerry in bed with another woman. When she misses it, she ends up getting mugged before landing a crummy waitress job.

I think back on my life when things could have turned out so differently. First grade I walked out in front of a car without serious injury, but what if I'd been permanently harmed in some way? I almost drowned when I was 13, but was saved. What if I had married Clayton or Walter or Kevin? What if I had married John and moved to England? Would I ever have met Les if I hadn't been in Shreveport at that time in my life? What if I had accepted one job over another? I wanted to be a fingerprint specialist for the FBI. I was going to be a "stewardess" for Eastern Airlines. I was going to work for the American Embassy in London. But something changed my course of life...either my insecurities about my self-worth or another person influenced my decision or any number of reasons for the decisions I finally made.

After my divorce from Les, I made a conscious decision to not date or socialize with other men for almost three years. Then I made the decision to do so and that decision changed my life in many ways. That is a whole different blog, but the greatest things to come out of that experience was meeting Joe.

I met Joe originally on line through one of those dating sites. He was very eloquent in his writing and his speech and wooed me every chance he got. Eventually we started speaking on the telephone every night for almost two hours each time. Then he asked that we meet and I agreed even after he told me that he was legally blind. The day we were to meet was almost one of my "sliding door" moments. I became nervous about meeting him solely because he had told me he was legally blind and not because of anything else. I almost backed out. I didn't and when we finally did meet, I was thrilled and impressed with the man I met. One of the qualities that I loved about him immediately was his gentle and sweet demeanor and how well he treated me. What if I had decided to chicken out and not meet Joe after all? How would my life continued and with whom?

It's no secret that this year has been tough medically on Joe, which means it's also been trying for me. Some may think that when I fell in love and married Joe that I knew about his health issues. That is not entirely true. Yes, Joe was a diabetic, but I didn't know much about diabetes at that time. (My mother didn't start exhibiting her signs of diabetes until Joe and I had been married for a couple of years so I'd had no real exposure to what diabetes was). And, at the time I met Joe he was only being treated for his diabetes by a pill and no insulin. After we had married, Joe was found to be in the very early stages of having some problems with his kidneys which caused some minor congestive heart failure. This was found to have been most likely caused by a drug called Avandia which was prescribed to him but is no longer on the market since it was recalled by the FDA. When I met Joe he was very active participating in basketball, riding his bike, being mobile all on his own with his own circle of friends.

Life changed for Joe which made life change for me. I am abundantly aware that I am experiencing "life". I certainly realize that I am no different than countless other people who are experiencing the exact same thing, if not worse. Each and every day I can find someone who is worse off than myself and even Joe. Do I consider that I have been a victim or victimized by what has occurred during this last year? You bet I do! One of the definitions of a "victim" is "an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance". Do I want to make myself a victim? The answer is an emphatic "no"! However, because of the medical problems that Joe has and is experiencing and the fact that I do love him, I have been made a victim. So, if I have come across to any of my family or friends that I want to make myself a victim, then I apologize for misrepresenting myself. If someone has gotten the impression that I want to be a victim because I have vented my frustration or poured out my heart and soul and sorrow to them, then I have also learned to whom I can share my innermost thoughts without having assumptions made about my motives. I have learned that the best way for me to deal with my frustrations is to occasionally share them with someone that I think would be understanding rather than bottle up all of my feelings. I now know who those persons are that I can share with without being judged.

I would not wish the bad circumstances that I have experienced in the last year on anyone. I love Joe and because of that love I have been compelled to share in his difficulties and medical issues. I would say that if anyone wants to trade places and/or knows how to handle my life better, than please step forward and do so. If you do though, I'll let you handle and worry about the following on a daily basis:

• will Joe be okay every day when I'm gone to work? Will he go low and pass out? If he goes low, will he lapse into unconsciousness and be alive when I return home? What will I do if he doesn't answer the phone after a period of time?
• will Joe be okay when he goes to dialysis? Will he vomit like he does at times? Will he soil his pants like he has done a couple of times and will he be able to clean himself without embarrassing himself?
• who make his doctor appointments and makes sure he's there? Who is the one who has stood in line for countless hours collecting his medicine?
• who is the one who works make-up hours on Fridays because all sick time and vacation time has been used up?
• who is the one who worries about paying the mounting medical bills?
• who hasn't had a really good night's sleep in many months for fear of sleeping too soundly and not being conscious enough to help her husband?
• who prepares meals in advance so that her husband will eat when he has no strength nor desire to eat something? Who is the one of dispenses medications because of the fear of overdosing because it has happened?
• who is the person who has spent countless hours in one doctor's office after another, the hospital emergency room and in hospital rooms? Who is the one who has made the decision to call the ambulance because the situation was bigger than her medical expertise?
• who is the person who has seen her husband lying unconscious and unresponsive? Who is the person who has seen him flailing and out of control?
• who is the person who hasn't seen her grandchild and family for almost four months and may not see them for several more months because of the fear of taking Joe out of the city limits?

This has all been me and me all by myself doing the decision making and worrying? I haven't seen anyone move into the house 24/7 and take over for me while I catch up on sleep or errands or just having time for myself. I haven't seen checks arriving in the mail to take care of some of my financial worries. I've not seen anyone donating work hours. I've seen none of this. I have seen and experienced love,compassion and understanding from some of my family and friends who have stood behind my decisions and been there physically when I've needed a shoulder to cry on, or a priesthood blessing or just someone to sit silently with me. Because you see, sometimes I've not asked for these things because I didn't want to burden others who have their own problems and lives to live. I have cherished the alone time while Joe has been in the hospital or dialysis because the burden of caring for Joe had been temporarily removed from me.

So, yes I made a decision back in July of 2004 and married the love of my life when he (and I) were much different people. Would my life have been a whole lot different if I had not married Joe? I'm sure it would have been, but then where would I have begun to learn and cultivate new virtues such as patience, understanding, empathy, compassion, tolerance, endurance, sympathy, insight and other things? Every morning I ask my Heavenly Father for these gifts so that I can become more loving and caring to Joe. Did I know all this about him when we married? No, I didn't, but I do love him more than he's ever been loved before and he has enriched my life in so many ways. Do I get frustrated and mad at him? You bet, but then that goes both ways and because we love each other we move on.

My "sliding door" is very heavy at times. Because of that, I've learned not to judge others from outward appearances because I don't want others judging me and my circumstances. Joe has lost about 50 lbs., his walk is slower and more unsteady, he sleeps longer and more frequently and his voice is more quiet and frailer. Would I go back and change things if I knew then what I know now? I can't answer that question because you see...I fell in love with and still love Joe. I can't imagine what my life would have been had he not come into it and loved me. I know that one day he will no longer be able to fight his body battles and when that time comes, I will give him up. But that time is not yet here. He still makes me laugh, he still tells stupid jokes, he still talks sports and politics when he knows I don't, he still does the dishes, he still sorts the clothes and I still can snuggle up behind him and hold him close. He's had too many opportunities to die since we've been together and he's still here for a reason and only Heavenly Father knows what that is right now. Maybe it's for me to continue developing those virtues I mentioned earlier?

So I close with one of my favorite poems. It is "The Road Less Taken" by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.