Already?

Where has the time gone this year? It seems like only last week that I put away all the Christmas decorations and today I pulled them all out again. I went to the storage shed early this morning before getting ready for church this morning and took out the three dusty Rubbermaid containers harboring my collection of various Christmas goodies. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas (hmmm, that sounds like the words to a possible song) now that the house is sprinkled with my Santas, Christmas dishes, snowmen, the various reds and greens and the tree ornaments. Some of the ornaments I have saved include an ornament that I've had for as long as I can remember and I even have a couple of handmade ones that Corey made during his first years in school. There's the hint of pine coming from a candle sitting hidden on the wood-burning stove. We decided not to put up a real tree this year. There's really not any reason to since we won't be spending time with family this year. The ornaments and lights are hung on one of my artificial trees which still gives us the illusion of a Christmas tree.

I don't want nor expect presents this year. Not the tangible kind at least. The gifts I want are those that I hope and pray my Heavenly Father grants. They include:

• first and foremost - an uneventful year when it comes to Joe's health;
• a renewed opportunity to spend more quality time with Joe and renew our love;
• some peace and serenity;
• the opportunity to spend more time with Corey and Nikki and Derek;
• getting to visit Mom and Dad and family in Georgia again in coming year; and
• coming to an understanding of what my Heavenly Father really wants and needs from me and what I can learn from the experiences of this year.

Joe had dialysis today since his schedule was altered due to Thanksgiving. I attended church by myself and it was so calming and wonderful to spend some quiet time with my ward sisters. I always feel so loved when I am with them. It was on my return home that I began my decorating since I had a few hours alone. So I put on some holiday music and got the house decorated for this wonderful season.

Wednesday Blessings

We got up early this morning - 5:00 am to be at the hospital. Joe was having what is medically called a left av fistula - it's where they place some type of tubing on the lower inside of Joe's arm. Eventually when it heals in about six weeks, that is where he will be "hooked up" for dialysis. I'm so grateful that all went well today.

I'm grateful I was able to work in the Casper office this week to be near Joe and get him to his medical appointments.

Shortly before I left to pick Joe up from the hospital, one of my co-workers stopped by my desk to say goodbye as she was leaving to go find her son. The school had called to let her know that apparently he was skipping school and she was out to find him. When I returned from taking Joe home, that's when I heard the news. Julia had gone by her house and that's where she discovered the body of her son. He had taken his life. I don't know how and details were sketchy for everyone else. Whatever happened it was so traumatic that she and her family are not spending the night there and she said she may never go back there again. How sad in so many ways. How tragic that someone feels that life is so bad that they feel the only way to feel better is to end their life. How tragic that as a mother, she had to lose her child that way. And, no parent should have to bury their child.

So, I'm grateful for Corey. Though he was no angel growing up he was my little man. There are things I wish I had done differently as his mother but, I have always felt blessed that he grew up to be the young man he turned out to be.

My Pivotal Point

I was having a discussion with a very good friend the other day. I may have written about Marla before, but just in case...Marla lost her husband a few months ago to a long, lengthy illness. I would like to think (and I really do know cause she's told me so) that I was just more than a meal prepared and dropped off at her home. Or, that I was more than an obligatory phone call asking how she was doing. I tried to have some type of contact, whether large or small with her every day, especially near the end of her husband's life. I tried not to infringe too much when her family from out-of-state arrived since I felt it was their time to be together. She was my first visiting teacher from the church when I moved to Wyoming and we both feel quite certain that it was destined that we were to meet.

Marla is a very ("how shall I say this"?) vain person when it comes to her looks. By vain I do not mean arrogant or haughty - she just likes to look good. Under normal circumstances when venturing amongst the human population, Marla's hair is perfectly coiffed and her makeup is impeccable and dressed as though she was going to meet the prophet himself - far from myself. I know that we are dear friends and that she trusts me because I am among the few humans that probably has seen her nekkid face. I've even seen her running around in her jammies and robe and bare footed. We trade food back and forth on a regular basis - many of those times we call them "stop and drop" because we are in a hurry and just don't have time to chat. Marla is who Nikki will be like when she grows up having raised her children, loved her husband dearly, has an unbreakable testimony and is fearless in what she says and believes. I'm sure I've mentioned that to both of them for I believe with all my heart that is true.

But I stray from my noting of a discussion Marla and I had the other day. She is very much aware of the adjustment I've gone through as a caregiver in the last few months as she experienced many of the same things herself during the passing of her beloved. We came to a point in our chattiness of discussing pivotal points in our lives more particularly a pivotal point with our husbands. She related to me when and how she can remember the "last" really good day she had with her husband when things were "normal". It is burned in her her memory. She went on to say that how would she and her husband have ever known that that was the last of the good days before the bad days set in?

As she came to the end of her reminiscing about her pivotal point, it became very clear to me what mine was and is and as long as I live I will never forget it. Mine was July 24, 2010. That's the exact day that Joe and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. That's the day we went white water rafting down the Wind River Canyon. (Blog entitled "White Water Rafting Trip - 7/24/10). It was a day that we had planned for almost a year and it finally arrived. What a wonderful day we had. Not a care in the world. It was beautiful weather in a beautiful place - it was all picture perfect. Afterwards we took our totally drenched selves to the state park for a picnic and sightseeing looking for buffalo. The day could not have been anymore perfect.

I remember we went to church the next day, Joe took an afternoon walk around the block and life was pretty darn great. Then the next morning life changed suddenly and nothing has ever been the same since Joe had his heart attack. How would Joe and I have known that those were the "good ole days"? Would we have changed anything differently? All I know is that I'm so grateful for the memories we've made together.

Today I'm Thankful For...

• getting to sleep in an extra 1 1/2 hours since I was working in the Casper office and not the field;
• thankful for a supervisor who let me work in the Casper office so I could be closer to town and be able to take Joe for his pre-op appointment today;
  
• thankful for the opportunity to work later since I will and did miss some work hours to tend to Joe's needs today and not lose any monies;
  
• thankful that the snow held off until I was warm and dry in my home;
  
• thankful that I could take "Mr. Happy", my formerly grumpy neighbor some of my homemade chicken and dumplings and he invited me into his home;
  
• thankful for my crockpot which cooked a pork loin to perfection and produced mouth-watering gravy for my lumpy mashed potatoes;
  
• thankful that Joe had a good day at dialysis today meaning no sickness or bathroom problems;
  
• thankful for the comments and love of a very dear friend who lives so far away;
  
• thankful for a warm home to come home to;
  
• thankful that my husband wants me to hold him tightly when we go to bed tonight;
  
• thankful that my heavenly father listens to my prayers and grants me the wishes of my heart; and
  
• thankful for an earthly father who listens to my concerns and understands and loves me.

My Sliding Doors

I believe that each person has at least one "sliding door" episode in their life. It's that time when you made one decision that took you to another point in your life. I think the way our lives are lived kind of remind me of a tree. We are born as a root and then as we move on in life we may venture off onto an interesting limb. Then there's another limb that looks enticing and then another and before we know it, we may have ventured so far from the middle of the tree that we don't remember or can never get back to what we were originally heading to. That doesn't mean it's bad. It just means our original course has been altered. Several years ago I saw an excellent movie that was an example of that called "Sliding Doors".

Helen Quilley works in PR for a big London company...at least, for the first five minutes of the film. After she is sacked for taking some of the boss's Smirnoff, she heads back down to the Underground to catch the train to take her back to her flat. But as she runs down, we suddenly see her life split off. In one version, she catches the train and in the second, she misses it. Throughout the rest of the film we see what would have happened in each scenario. Her whole life changes in that split second. When she catches the train, she meets a charming man called James and gets home to find her boyfriend Gerry in bed with another woman. When she misses it, she ends up getting mugged before landing a crummy waitress job.

I think back on my life when things could have turned out so differently. First grade I walked out in front of a car without serious injury, but what if I'd been permanently harmed in some way? I almost drowned when I was 13, but was saved. What if I had married Clayton or Walter or Kevin? What if I had married John and moved to England? Would I ever have met Les if I hadn't been in Shreveport at that time in my life? What if I had accepted one job over another? I wanted to be a fingerprint specialist for the FBI. I was going to be a "stewardess" for Eastern Airlines. I was going to work for the American Embassy in London. But something changed my course of life...either my insecurities about my self-worth or another person influenced my decision or any number of reasons for the decisions I finally made.

After my divorce from Les, I made a conscious decision to not date or socialize with other men for almost three years. Then I made the decision to do so and that decision changed my life in many ways. That is a whole different blog, but the greatest things to come out of that experience was meeting Joe.

I met Joe originally on line through one of those dating sites. He was very eloquent in his writing and his speech and wooed me every chance he got. Eventually we started speaking on the telephone every night for almost two hours each time. Then he asked that we meet and I agreed even after he told me that he was legally blind. The day we were to meet was almost one of my "sliding door" moments. I became nervous about meeting him solely because he had told me he was legally blind and not because of anything else. I almost backed out. I didn't and when we finally did meet, I was thrilled and impressed with the man I met. One of the qualities that I loved about him immediately was his gentle and sweet demeanor and how well he treated me. What if I had decided to chicken out and not meet Joe after all? How would my life continued and with whom?

It's no secret that this year has been tough medically on Joe, which means it's also been trying for me. Some may think that when I fell in love and married Joe that I knew about his health issues. That is not entirely true. Yes, Joe was a diabetic, but I didn't know much about diabetes at that time. (My mother didn't start exhibiting her signs of diabetes until Joe and I had been married for a couple of years so I'd had no real exposure to what diabetes was). And, at the time I met Joe he was only being treated for his diabetes by a pill and no insulin. After we had married, Joe was found to be in the very early stages of having some problems with his kidneys which caused some minor congestive heart failure. This was found to have been most likely caused by a drug called Avandia which was prescribed to him but is no longer on the market since it was recalled by the FDA. When I met Joe he was very active participating in basketball, riding his bike, being mobile all on his own with his own circle of friends.

Life changed for Joe which made life change for me. I am abundantly aware that I am experiencing "life". I certainly realize that I am no different than countless other people who are experiencing the exact same thing, if not worse. Each and every day I can find someone who is worse off than myself and even Joe. Do I consider that I have been a victim or victimized by what has occurred during this last year? You bet I do! One of the definitions of a "victim" is "an unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance". Do I want to make myself a victim? The answer is an emphatic "no"! However, because of the medical problems that Joe has and is experiencing and the fact that I do love him, I have been made a victim. So, if I have come across to any of my family or friends that I want to make myself a victim, then I apologize for misrepresenting myself. If someone has gotten the impression that I want to be a victim because I have vented my frustration or poured out my heart and soul and sorrow to them, then I have also learned to whom I can share my innermost thoughts without having assumptions made about my motives. I have learned that the best way for me to deal with my frustrations is to occasionally share them with someone that I think would be understanding rather than bottle up all of my feelings. I now know who those persons are that I can share with without being judged.

I would not wish the bad circumstances that I have experienced in the last year on anyone. I love Joe and because of that love I have been compelled to share in his difficulties and medical issues. I would say that if anyone wants to trade places and/or knows how to handle my life better, than please step forward and do so. If you do though, I'll let you handle and worry about the following on a daily basis:

• will Joe be okay every day when I'm gone to work? Will he go low and pass out? If he goes low, will he lapse into unconsciousness and be alive when I return home? What will I do if he doesn't answer the phone after a period of time?
• will Joe be okay when he goes to dialysis? Will he vomit like he does at times? Will he soil his pants like he has done a couple of times and will he be able to clean himself without embarrassing himself?
• who make his doctor appointments and makes sure he's there? Who is the one who has stood in line for countless hours collecting his medicine?
• who is the one who works make-up hours on Fridays because all sick time and vacation time has been used up?
• who is the one who worries about paying the mounting medical bills?
• who hasn't had a really good night's sleep in many months for fear of sleeping too soundly and not being conscious enough to help her husband?
• who prepares meals in advance so that her husband will eat when he has no strength nor desire to eat something? Who is the one of dispenses medications because of the fear of overdosing because it has happened?
• who is the person who has spent countless hours in one doctor's office after another, the hospital emergency room and in hospital rooms? Who is the one who has made the decision to call the ambulance because the situation was bigger than her medical expertise?
• who is the person who has seen her husband lying unconscious and unresponsive? Who is the person who has seen him flailing and out of control?
• who is the person who hasn't seen her grandchild and family for almost four months and may not see them for several more months because of the fear of taking Joe out of the city limits?

This has all been me and me all by myself doing the decision making and worrying? I haven't seen anyone move into the house 24/7 and take over for me while I catch up on sleep or errands or just having time for myself. I haven't seen checks arriving in the mail to take care of some of my financial worries. I've not seen anyone donating work hours. I've seen none of this. I have seen and experienced love,compassion and understanding from some of my family and friends who have stood behind my decisions and been there physically when I've needed a shoulder to cry on, or a priesthood blessing or just someone to sit silently with me. Because you see, sometimes I've not asked for these things because I didn't want to burden others who have their own problems and lives to live. I have cherished the alone time while Joe has been in the hospital or dialysis because the burden of caring for Joe had been temporarily removed from me.

So, yes I made a decision back in July of 2004 and married the love of my life when he (and I) were much different people. Would my life have been a whole lot different if I had not married Joe? I'm sure it would have been, but then where would I have begun to learn and cultivate new virtues such as patience, understanding, empathy, compassion, tolerance, endurance, sympathy, insight and other things? Every morning I ask my Heavenly Father for these gifts so that I can become more loving and caring to Joe. Did I know all this about him when we married? No, I didn't, but I do love him more than he's ever been loved before and he has enriched my life in so many ways. Do I get frustrated and mad at him? You bet, but then that goes both ways and because we love each other we move on.

My "sliding door" is very heavy at times. Because of that, I've learned not to judge others from outward appearances because I don't want others judging me and my circumstances. Joe has lost about 50 lbs., his walk is slower and more unsteady, he sleeps longer and more frequently and his voice is more quiet and frailer. Would I go back and change things if I knew then what I know now? I can't answer that question because you see...I fell in love with and still love Joe. I can't imagine what my life would have been had he not come into it and loved me. I know that one day he will no longer be able to fight his body battles and when that time comes, I will give him up. But that time is not yet here. He still makes me laugh, he still tells stupid jokes, he still talks sports and politics when he knows I don't, he still does the dishes, he still sorts the clothes and I still can snuggle up behind him and hold him close. He's had too many opportunities to die since we've been together and he's still here for a reason and only Heavenly Father knows what that is right now. Maybe it's for me to continue developing those virtues I mentioned earlier?

So I close with one of my favorite poems. It is "The Road Less Taken" by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Monday Blessings

• a ride to work this morning. It's always nice to sit back when I don't have to do the driving.
• being acknowledged at the morning meeting about my return back in the field since I was gone most all last week. Knowing that my co-workers missed me.
• having my work complimented.
• spending an enjoyable lunch time with my regular lunch buddies.
• having Joe's health care nurse call me after visiting him and validating that my concerns have been and are real.
• two long conversations with my best Wyoming friend/sister.
• having a friend to have girl talk with at work.
• spending some alone time at Sam's after work.
• eating a great tasting rotisserie chicken and potato salad for dinner.
• pre-moving into my new office in the field.
• talking to my dad on the phone today. (In person would have been much better).
• enjoying an absolutely beautiful day and watching the sun come up.
• grateful my weekend sickness finally left my body!
• coming home to the man I love.

The Best Laid Plans...

This was going to be a great weekend complete with NO doctor visits, no hospital time, just running a few errands. I had plans to do some window shopping and meandering around a few stores for nothing in particular. Every day was a gorgeous day. I went to work for a few hours on Friday to make up some of the hours I missed while Joe was in the hospital. Then I went by and picked up Joe to run some errands.

We decided to try out a new place to eat called "Eggington's". It was wonderful. It will definitely be a place to take people who might visit us from out of town.

Our table is the one in the middle of the picture. I had Pecan Crusted French Toast which was unbelievably scrumptious and Joe had the greatest looking Reuben Sandwich and a salad.

Unfortunately, things took a down hill turn from there. I got really sick (and it had nothing to do with the restaurant). Me and the bathroom got well acquainted all weekend long. The only time I left the house was to take Joe to dialysis and pick him up. So much for plans, huh?

Tomorrow is National Doughnut Day. Now this is my kind of day - celebrating doughnuts. I've eaten Krispy Kreme, Dunkin Doughnuts and all different kinds, but we've got a fantastic doughnut shop here in Casper. It's called "Daylight Donuts". Their doughnuts have a totally different texture and flavor than any doughnut I've ever eaten.

Just feast your salivating mouth on the picture showing some of the absolutely wonderful items sold at the store. Everything is cooked fresh each morning and the store closes at "noonish" according to the time on the door.

Since tomorrow is Friday and my day off, I may just have to start by there and celebrate National Doughnut Day.

When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep? ~George Canning

I'm grateful today for:

• Joe came home from the hospital.
• the nurses who cared for him.
• the dialysis that allows his life to be of better quality and less stresson his kidneys.
• co-workers from the oilfield who saw my car in the parking lot while I was working in the town office and who came in to check on me.
• the good night's sleep I had without waking up worried.
• my good friend who understands what I'm going through when others don't.

And, I'll be very grateful when Joe is tucked in bed beside me tonight.

Sandwich Day

Today was National Sandwich Day. I love sandwiches. I especially love them when they're made by someone else and served to me.

My favorite kind is the one shown below...peanut butter and grape jelly. It tastes best when it's made with good fresh bread - bread that is so fresh it's squishy - and served with a glass of cold milk. Can a sandwich get any better? I think not!


No. 2 favorite - oh heck. I can't rank them past the PB&J. I love a great grilled sandwich with a great bowl of soup. I love BLT's. I love a gooey Philly Steak and Cheese. I love a great ham with Swiss cheese.

I will say though that probably the best sandwich I've ever eaten (beyond the PB&J) was an Italian sub served at the Columbus Flea Market in Columbus, New Jersey. Before I got a job, after Dad was transferred to McGuire AFB in New Jersey, Mom and I used to go to the flea market with great regularity. Besides always trying to find a good bargain, the highlight of the excursion was to get us an Italian Sub with good ole white Italian bread.

Yep, I love sandwiches.

Gratitude

The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you. ~John E. Southard

One of my visiting teachers called today. She'd heard about Joe being in the hospital. I had only told a couple of close friends in my ward about this hospitalization. Both of these friends would do anything for me without hesitation if asked. They would have answered my terrified 12:45 a.m. phone call if I'd made it. But I didn't as I do realize that not everyone needs to know the trials and tribulations that take place in my home until such time as I feel comfortable bringing them into the loop. Everyone has worries in their lives and I try to minimize my contributions when possible. Why is it so much easier for me to help them than to accept their offers of help to me? I don't want to add to the stress and burdens that everyone has no matter who you are.

Anyway, Casey called me at work and wanted to know what she could do for me. I certainly didn't need a casserole or some cookies. I'd already prepared meals that need to be eaten. But, during the course of the conversation an answer to so many of my prayers was realized. I go to work each day hoping and praying that nothing happens to Joe while I'm gone. I don't want something to happen such as it did yesterday morning. I don't want to come home and find him lying on the floor unconscious or even worse. Working 45 miles away from home makes many days stressful for me. Casey told me her husband works at home and with them living just a few blocks away, he would be available to stop by and check on Joe if I had concerns. And, she proceeded to give me his cell phone number. Though others had offered this before, it never seemed to be a comfortable fit for me, but this one did and does.

So I have gratitude for my two close ward sisters/friends who have been such a wonderful support through each and every one of Joe's hospital stays and those visits to me in between. I'm grateful for my visiting teachers that I've had during the move here. I'm grateful for Casey for her insight to what I need and the answer to my prayer.

Hospital Stay #4 - 11/2/10

I enjoyed my long weekend too well. When I should have gone to bed at my usual 10:00 pm to get up at 4:00 am, I was still playing around on my computer. I was thinking about all the things I'd like to write on my blog. I haven't written much on the blog in the last few months. Life got a little bit crazier than I'd like it to be and a little less "normal" and planned. So, I went to work Monday morning feeling like I had only had three good hours of sleep. And I had. I'd only had three good hours of sleep since it was about 1:00 am when my eyes finally closed.

Monday evening after coming home, picking up Joe to ride with me to drop off dinner at a friend's home, and then fixing and eating our dinner, I decided it was time for me to go to bed early. Around 9:00, I kissed my sweetie, wished him luck that his Indianapolis Colts would win their football game, I went and crawled in bed.

Somewhere around 12:30 am, I woke up out of a perfectly wonderful sound sleep - not to use the bathroom, not to the barking of the dogs, not because of a bad dream. I noticed the light outside the bedroom door which indicated the light was still on in the living room. That's normal some evenings because Joe will sometimes sleep on the couch so as to not disturb my rest and leaves a light on so he can see his way to the bathroom. I turned over in the bed to settle in again, but decided I should get up and see when Joe was coming to bed.

I walked into the living room and discovered him lying totally straight and prone, face down on the carpet. My first thought was what was he doing like that. I called his name, called it again only louder as I walked towards him. That's when the panic began to set in. No answer from him and no movement from him. I hurriedly rolled his body which which felt like what I would imagine to be his dead weight. He was saturated with water and discovered that sometime he had apparently vomited. Still no response and I wondered if he was indeed still alive. I got my answer when I saw breath coming from his mouth and that he mouth needed to be cleaned out. I ran to the kitchen, got some clothes to clean out his mouth. I then tried to check his blood sugar, couldn't get blood, tried again, but had misplaced his monitor. It was then that I knew I needed to get him on his side and call 911. The wait for the ambulance to arrive seemed to take forever. I had to throw on some clothes, unlock the front door, still speak to the person on the end of the line and try to hold Joe up on his side.

The EMT's arrived and were never able to have him regain consciousness and prepared him for the ride to the hospital.

Each and every morning before I put my car in park, I have a prayer and some conversation with my Heavenly Father. One of the things I always ask for is to bless Joe in whatever he does and to guide and protect him while I am gone throughout the day. I also ask for patience and guidance and wisdom to know how to help and care for Joe.

My prayers were answered once again yesterday morning. Small miracles became a big blessing for Joe and me. (1) I woke up for no apparent reason. (2) I got up to check on him rather than just rolling over and going back to sleep. (3) Since Joe had gotten physically sick, somehow he wound up face down rather than still lying on his back. Had that not happened, he would have drown in his own vomit most likely. (4) I had the wisdom to know to turn him on his side. Because of these miracles and blessings, there is a wonderful outcome to all of this.

Though Joe wound up in the hospital and no reason for the unconsciousness has been determined, he is doing wonderfully well now and should be home tomorrow if all goes well.

These pictures show something that has been stuck up one of Joe's nostrils. The parmedics had to insert a tube into his throat through his nostril to help him to breathe. It has had to remain in his nose since then until the blood clots or he could bleed to death.

The Long and Winding Road

I was lying in bed last night contemplating a conversation I had that afternoon with a friend of mine. We were talking about our upcoming drives to Utah to see our children and how you have to plan your drive there and back to be there or back home before dark. We started laughing because it sounded like children who are afraid of the dark. I told her it was almost like the movie entitled "The Village". The village is encircled by a forest said to be filled with mysterious and threatening creatures. No one ever went into the woods after dark for fear something would get them.

It's kinda of like that here. If you're smart you don't live the confines of the City of Casper after dark. Why:

(1) There's a lot of wide open area that is inhabited by lots of wild animals such as deer, antelope and the vicious skunk and you never know when they will venture out on the highway in front of you.

(2) There is a lot of wide open area which is traveled by few vehicles so it might be awhile before someone comes along.

(3) There is limited cell phone service in some of these areas. And, even if you were able to contact your emergency road service, how are you going to tell someone exactly where you are?

So, that's why we always try to be back in the loving arms of Casper when we head back from out of town.

I compare the trip from Casper to Rawlins, which is the most direct route to I-80, to the trip I made so many times from Tifton to Waycross. I used to think that that drive was the longest, most desolate drive. Now, it would seem like a walk in the park.