Reflections on Mother's Day 2009

Today I was unable to visit with my mom to celebrate Mother's Day with her. No physical hug nor kiss on the cheek. No physical touch to show I love her. Yes, I spoke with her on the telephone today, but couldn't visit with her in person. It was a strained, yet lucid conversation with her. I feel as though time is slipping away for me and my mom. Maybe it's because I now live several hundred miles from her. Maybe it's because her mind is slowly becoming less sharp, less focused, less able to understand what I'm trying to say. It seems as though we don't really have conversations anymore. They are more like generic give and take you might have with an old neighbor you run into on occasion.

This is the woman who was my traveling companion for many years. There were the trips to Canada, Pennsylvania, Washington, DC, Utah and all over the southeast, She was my partner in crime. We would stay up all night long sometimes watching movies I'd rented from the video store. Or there were the days we would work the craft shows and flea markets peddling things we'd made. Who needed a best girlfriend when I had my mom? There was also the all day matinees catching up on the latest movies. When Christmas came around there were the shopping excursions that lasted until the wee hours of the morning. The trips have now stopped with the last one being taken to visit with her newest grandchild - Derek - many months ago. Though the trip was difficult for me because of the extra time and effort to care for her, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

My mom was always there for me. I never lacked for anything from her. There were always the clean clothes, the home I could always be proud of, there was the never-ending support of words of encouragement or a shoulder to cry on or the stroking of my hair. And, God have mercy when a fellow did me wrong! That person could be blacklisted by her forever. She always stood in my corner.

My mom was always full of energy and don't ever dare her to do something unless you wanted it done. She was savvy, smart, resourceful, mischievous, caring and loving. Though she is still very much with us, life is slowly changing her and many things that she was, no longer is.

I really missed my mom today. It's been many years since I've not been with her on Mother's Day. Although I will get to see her in just a very few days, I have been harboring a great fear. When will the time come that my mother no longer knows who I am? How long will she know that I am her firstborn child? How long will I be able to have telephone conversations with her? I suffer pangs of guilt and heartache from time to time knowing that I am not there to share time with her.

So on this Mother's Day I want her to know that although I'm not with her in body, I am in spirit. I love her with all my heart and am grateful that she is my mother, my role model, my friend. What a wonderful example she's been in my life.

I can only hope that my own child will love me half as much as I love my mom. If so, then life as a mother has been well worth it all. I love you Mom!