Grief Showers

It's been 21 months since Joe died.  Life has gone on.  In fact, life has been pretty darn good.  I still miss Joe.  I miss his company.  I miss his wit.  I miss his love.  I miss many things that I no longer have since he died.  But, life is good and I feel that all in all I've adjusted pretty well.

Last week was a rough week.  I've been doing some major organizing in my house in the last few weeks.  There have been occasions when I've opened up drawers or have looked on shelves and found things that used to belong to Joe.  Most times I've just shut the drawer or walked away from the shelf.  Not time yet to take some of those memory trips.  However, I did find a large, unopened bottle of expensive medication that Joe used in conjunction with his dialysis treatments.  It had not expired and I did not want to throw away medication that might be able to be used by someone else.  So, I decided to give it away to a lady who I knew could use it.

I drove into the parking lot and started getting a really strange feeling.  After I parked, I had to talk myself into going into the building.  After all, I had not been there since the week before Joe died.  I did go inside and  walked into the waiting room and up to the reception desk.  Then the social worker saw me and came walking out.  I started crying as a tidal wave of emotions hit me.  I explained to Marilyn why I was there in between the crying.  She told me what I was experiencing was a "grief shower".  I feel I handle my emotions pretty well these days, but it's those little unexpected things that jump out unexpectedly that knock me for a loop.

Two days later, our entire office at work went through CPR and first aid re-certification.  All went well until we got to the last portion which involved the training on an automated external defibrillator (AED).  This is a portable electronic device that is used to try and start the heart once it's stopped.  When it gets turned on, it makes a certain distinct sound and when it happened at the office, the most awful feelings came rushing back.  I remembered seeing the AED used on Joe to start his heart, how his entire body flopped uncontrollably and I had to leave the room. 

My immediate coping mechanism for both of these instances...emotional eating when I got home. 

It's Already February

January where did you go!  How is it possible that one month of this new year has come and gone?  That being said, it's time to take stock of what I wrote last month as goals for me to accomplish and work on this year.  Has anything changed?  Have I started making any progress?  I did start keeping a weekly sheet on which I write things that need to be done that week and it seems to help me keep on task and helps me to see what's left to accomplish for the week.


Relationship - Progress here... (1) I wanted to commit to being more in touch on a more regular basis with some of my family members and friends.  I have made a concerted effort to contact, by telephone, certain people on at least a weekly basis.

(2)  I wanted to cultivate more relationships with my ward family. Definitely started on this.  I attended a recent nighttime Relief Society meeting which was a "meet and greet."  I feel it was an inspired meeting because we've got so many new people in our ward. and I was able to attend for the first time in forever.  I did meet women on a personal basis, got to know names, met someone who'd not been to church in six years, etc.  And, I've started having "movie nights" at my home and sharing some more time with some fantastic women.

(3)  I haven't started reading to families yet, but I am reading to my two little boys I care for Monday-Wednesday mornings.  I love it!  They love it!

(4)  I LOVE that Derek is getting old enough to have real conversations with me.  I thoroughly enjoy phone conversations with me when he is so thrilled about something I may have sent to him or something he's made.  Or, like today when I told me he was making something special for me and he's so excited.  I LOVE that when I talk to Jake, he smiles; that he recognizes me even though he doesn't see me often.

Professional - No change on this yet.

Spiritual - Some definite progress here!   (1) Right after I'd written that I wanted to begin and complete the necessary family history for Joe's mom and dad and Les' mom and dad, things started happening.  Within a matter of days, I found out that our ward was starting a Family History class.  Yes, I'm in it and trying to figure out how to get things moving. 

I had to first find out the name of both of Joe's parents.  I knew his mother was named Pauline and that's all I knew.  Last night before going to bed, I remembered that I'd taken pictures of Joe's mom and dads grave when we were in Indiana for our honeymoon.  So, I started looking for the pictures on a disk.  I found it and found the picture of the grave, as well as other Weaver graves.  I don't know who these people are, but at least I've got something to start with.  And, I had been searching for the Preston work that I'd done and had not been able to find my notebook with all that info.  I did find it in the barn silo in Georgia when I was there in October.  I didn't have room to bring it back with me and it got mailed to me last month.  Now I've got some info to start on Corey's grandparents.

I continue to try and be of service. I have taken opportunities to do deliver birthday balloons and/or small gifts to my ward sisters and send birthday cards.  But, I also have been rewarded by gifts of love from others with their random acts of kindness. I was recently the recipient of a special plate with homemade brownies delivered to me.  It came with a card that read "Sister Weaver, Thank you for being a true example of our Young Women Value - Virtue.  We love you" and it was signed by the young women.  My "Happy Jar" continues to have slips added.

Mental - No movement yet.

 

Physical -  I have started changes on this.  The day after I wrote about wanting to start going to bed earlier and getting up earlier, I got a phone call from a young mother in the ward.  She was going to start nursing school and needed someone to look after her 4 year old and 6 year old by helping them to get ready for school and taking them to school.  She said she didn't know what my work schedule was, didn't know if I'd be interested and I would be paid $10 a day for doing it, but my name kept popping into her mind.  It just so happened that she needed my help on the days I was off work and no reason I couldn't help.  So, I'm earlier to bed and earlier to rise.

 

I am losing weight - 11 lbs. so far.  Not much, but I am making progress.

 

So, time to see what I can get done in February because there is still LOTS to accomplish.