It's been exactly one month since Joe died or passed away or passed. Whatever word you use, he's gone and missing in my life. It seems really impossible that that amount of time has already come and gone. That means I've gone an entire month without seeing his face, hugging his neck, kissing his lips or snuggling up behind him when I climbed into bed. It really hurts my heart when I put it into that type of perspective. I'm learning that it really is much easier "taking it one day at a time". Even when those days have been expanded to "it's been one week", "it's been two weeks", etc. that hadn't and didn't hit me as hard as realizing that a full month has passed.
Some things remain as they did at the beginning of this counted month. I still cry every night while saying my final prayer of the day. I still can't sleep on Joe's side of the bed - each morning I technically make only half a bed. I still go to bed late and when I do, I lie awake thinking or remembering so many things about Joe. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss his sweet last puckered kiss of the night. I miss wrapping my arm around his chest and falling asleep. I still wake up each morning around 3:00 a.m. for some strange reason - it doesn't matter if I've taken something to try and help me sleep or if I've just climbed into bed a scant few hours before.
I'm not going to lie - being left behind by someone you love sucks. It matters not that I understand the Plan of Salvation and that I have faith in the things I've been taught about being reunited with my loved one one day. I'm human. I loved Joe and I am now without him. My chest has physically hurt from the pain I feel in my heart. There is a loneliness in my soul knowing there are no more conversations or experiences to be shared with him. There are no more dumb jokes or useless trivia to make me laugh with him. Things that I took forgranted I wish I hadn't. I've said I wish I could at least have a rewind on the last full day we had together even knowing what the outcome would be. Oh how I'd love that chance - not to change everything, but just to be more loving and attentive in those last few hours.
What a blessing it would be just to be able to hold that sweet man's face in my hands one more time. I'd love to look into his beautiful blue eyes, tell him how much I love him and get one last kiss.
It's been exactly one month since Joe died, but I've made it...one day at a time and tomorrow will be another one of those days.
