I was reminded of that quote that I had heard several years ago. I loved it so much I had it taped to my office wall in my old home in Georgia. I heard it on the Oprah show one time and thought it was so profound and so true. We never know exactly what our Heavenly Father has in store for us and we won't know until He has sprung it on us sometimes.
I am living witness to all this. I thought life was good and life was great a little over a year ago. I thought I had a great job - the money was really good by normal standards, I had a three day weekend every week sprinkled with a four day weekend occasionally, Joe's health was pretty good, life was good and life was pretty great.
Then the bottom fell out - heart attack, kidney failure, congestive heart failure, infections, seizures, unconsciousness, and so many other medical problems for Joe and then my job loss. What more did my Heavenly Father want from me? Why was it necessary that He kept messing with my life? Didn't I deserve a break, some normal happiness? When did He feel that I had learned my lesson in life about whatever I was supposed to learn? Was it patience, understanding, more love, what?
I tried hard for five months to find another job. It was a daily search accompanied by frequent interviews. Why wasn't I getting a job? I an an "impeccable resume"; I had "stellar references"; I had "outstanding skills"; I could type 79 wpm and talk at the same time; I could design Excel spreadsheets; I could do what was being required for the job! Why couldn't the interested parties see that I was perfect for them? So for the past 11 months I gradually felt I was losing me; I was losing the Carol that I knew and loved and regressing back into the days when I was Les' wife and Corey's mother when I felt as though my own personal identity was first disappearing and then lost. During these last 11 months I was the person who got up at 4 a.m. four days a week, who came home around 6 p.m., fixed meals, kept the house and was the full time caregiver for my husband...a husband who was himself trying to hold on to what independence he had and all the while suffering from depression. I was hanging in there. I had to no matter what. I know I didn't do as good a job as I could have. I wasn't as patient or kind or understanding or loving as I should have been.
Losing my job was a blessing. I've come to understand that it was my Heavenly Father's way of saying "Stop! It's time to make a change. You can't and won't do it, so I will." And He did. Despite the job loss of five months, it was a wonderful time for reflection, for healing, for taking life at a slower pace. It was a blessed time.
This week things changed. I got a new job - a call that came first thing Monday morning. Someone wanted me to come and work for them. They didn't ask me to do a typing test; they didn't ask me to design a spreadsheet; they didn't ask me where I wanted to be in five years. Their interview was different. I felt it. I felt it enough to even mention at the end of the interview that I might need to be excused if my husband needed me for medical reasons. Long story short, they want, they insist that I take my lunch time and pick up Joe from dialysis. They understand - they have families and families come first. I'm starting out at a fairly decent salary and at the end of 90 days I've been promised basically what I had when I left my last job. And, the place I've been working temporarily to help supplement my unemployment check also wants to keep me. They offered me the opportunity to keep my job and let me work when I want after hours. They've given me a raise and I will be given a key to the office so I can come and go.
Joe is now doing volunteer work on the days he's not in dialysis and he's now joined the "geezer" chapter of the Kiwanis at the Senior Citizen Center. The physical therapy he's been taking to help his walking and balance is improving his physical limitations and life seems to be settling into a comfortable, manageable rhythm in both of our lives.
I am looking forward to the opportunity of discovering myself again - doing things just for me. I look forward to seeing what other new and exciting things are in store for me and for Joe and I as a couple. I look forward to leaving the memories of the last few months behind and making new exciting ones in the upcoming months.
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