Joe died. He was my eternal companion, the person whom I shared my life with, my best friend and now I am beginning a journey that is sometimes frightening, very painful and lonely. I have lost a part of myself. I'm sure that in time I will "feel better." But first, I know I must express my grief and also mourn. I never realized there was a difference before. It seems strange with all the things we are required to learn and know in life, that society avoids educating us about grief and mourning. The difference is...Grief is the feeling that one has typically due to a loss, while mourning is the process/action one takes to deal with the loss. Grief is within ones self and mourning is displayed outward. I know that I also need to mourn that when I need to cry, I will do so.
I am grieving for the way my life used to be with Joe and also trying to move forward. I realize that my grief is unique because no one else had the same relationship that I had with Joe. My grief is influenced by the circumstances surrounding his sudden death. I am the only one who was in that hotel room that made the decisions that I made to try and save his life. His life was in my hands and I still couldn't save him or offer comfort to him and I'm the one who is trying to cope with that each and every day!
One of the first emotions associated with grief is shock. The experts on grief say that a person may feel dazed and stunned, expecially durint the time immediately following the death. This feeling is nature's way of protecting you from and over-whelming reality. You may experience heart palitations, queasiness, stomach pains or dizziness. You may also find yourself crying hysterically or screaming angrily. These behaviors help you survive during this extraordinarily difficult time. Translated this means that I felt like I was living a bad dream, a nightmare that I was not been able to wake up from. It came across as being something so surreal that it made me feel as though it was an outer body experience. That all began on May 29, 2012 at 4:30 a.m.
We were staying at the Sleep Inn in Casper. Our home had been flooded by a leaking water heater and the insurance company had allowed us to stay in a hotel. We'd come home from a wonderful weekend in the Black Hills of South Dakota and both of us had gone to sleep in our own separate queen-sized beds, with B.J. The Dog sleeping with Joe.
I remember Joe waking me up around 12:30 a.m. when he went to the bathroom - making noise, leaving the bathroom light on, etc. I got up and stuck some earplugs in my ears so that I could sleep as I had to go to work in a few hours and he would be going to dialysis. I went back to sleep and around 4:30 a.m., I was suddenly awakened when I heard Joe yelling and yelling and yelling. I took the earplugs out of my ears and yelled to him, "Joe, wake up! Wake up"! There were many times Joe would have nightmares and he would thrash around and yell and I would have to wake him up. However, this time he yelled "I'm not asleep! I can't get off the bed"! I told him to calm down and lower his voice before he woke everyone up and I'd help him get up. I pulled him to the side of the bed and sat him up. That's when I noticed him holding his chest and breathing as he'd done in the past when he'd had pneumonia. I even said to him that I thought I needed to take him to the emergency room because it sounded has though he had it again. He told me he just wanted to get to the bathroom and so I helped him walk there as he was very, very unsteady. I sat him on the toilet and since B.J. was needing to go outside, I told Joe I'd be right back.
In just a few minutes, B.J. and I came back into the hotel and when I opened up the room door, there was Joe lying collapsed halfway between the bathroom and the space right by the door. His "diaper" was halfway pulled up and all the items on the bathroom shelf had been swiped off onto the floor. He was not responsive in any way. I thought it might be low blood sugar, but hurried and called 911 immediately. The operator would not let me go to Joe. The phone cord only stretched so far and I kept screaming out Joe's name. The only help to Joe at this time was that B.J. had gone and laid down next to Joe.
I don't know how the medical personnel got into the room - by me or the hotel staff, I only know that suddenly the room was filled with people. I sat on the end of Joe's bed and remember holding my hands over my face and rocking back and forth praying, "Oh, God, oh God, oh God". I told them he was diabetic, to check his blood sugar and they told me "No ma'am, it's his heart". Joe had no pulse. But, the EMT's had started CPR as soon as they could and administered medications. How could it have been his heart! Joe had just done a routine follow-up on April 9th with Dr. Novick on his pacemaker and then had had an echo cardiogram done two days later. Another appointment was on April 23rd to get the results of the echo was showed his heart fine except for some thickness in his valves due to his high blood pressure. Another appointment with another cardiologist was on May 1st because it had been discovered that Joe had atrial fibrillation which meant his heart rate was irregular. Medication had not regulated it so an out patient procedure known as a TEE/Cardioversion was scheduled for May 23rd - two days before we were leaving for South Dakota. The procedure took place - they stopped his heart and it took three times shocking it for it to return to normal rhythm. However, it was discovered it had lapsed back into afib by dialysis the next morning. New medication would be tried once again.
So, as I'm sitting on the bed one of the EMT's turns to me and asks "Do you want us to stop?" I yelled back to them "No, no, no!" I sat on that bed and watched them struggle to save Joe's life. I saw them shock him. I saw things I don't ever want to experience ever again. They finally did get a pulse and took him to the hospital. A police officer drove me and the hotel took care of B.J.
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