I cried myself to sleep last night. That was the first time in quite awhile that that has happened. I think I am evolving into a new phase of my grieving process. I haven't really stopped crying since the day Joe died. I only take vacations from it. I may go for a few days before I really have a good cry or I may have tears well up, but this crying last night was different.
For the last two weekends, I've had the opportunity for some contemplative thinking. It's all been hinging on the downloading of pictures and sorting through paperwork, etc. I had no where that I needed to be the previous weekend, so that gave me two whole days for this to take place and it was mental torture. Mental torture in the sense that it brought out feelings I hadn't had to face in either several weeks or never. This weekend, I'd kept myself so busy in order that this wouldn't be repeated, but those feelings hit me again yesterday.
I miss Joe. Simply said I miss Joe so badly at times. I really missed him last night after crawling into bed after my nightly prayer. This was the first time I'd cried myself to sleep in a long time. The longing to snuggle up behind him or have him come up behind me and cradle my head as he wrapped his arms around me was so very strong last night. And it hurt to know it can't happen anymore and it brings such pain to my heart. I just wish I could cradle his head between my hands and kiss that sweet face and see him smile. Even writing about it now, I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and can hardly swallow because of the lump in my throat.
This is a different type of crying. I think my mind is finally coming to terms and realization that this is a permanent. I originally cried because of the shock, the horror, the nightmarish circumstances. Now I think it's the realization of the permanence of knowing Joe is gone.