He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the man who saved my life and made me understand what true love meant. It was so hard to just go off and leave him lying in that hospital bed looking like he was just napping and knowing that we would never have another conversation together, that he would never make me laugh again and that I would never have his face in my hands again to cup and kiss. At least not here on this earth and it might be a very long time before I ever saw him.
I don't remember how I got home. I think I do remember Marla taking me back to the hotel so that I could gather my things, including B.J. and then driving myself home. I do remember that after that point, I was never left alone. There was always someone at the house and sometimes multiple peoples. It stayed that way even until the kids arrived about 2:00 a.m. the next morning. Food was brought in and attempts made for me to eat, but I only remember it all just being a blur and living in what felt like a very, very bad dream. The happiest part of the nightmare was when the kids finally arrived. It was such a relief just to sit back and watch them take over.
Later that day, Corey and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for Joe. Joe and I had already decided that cremation was going to take place for a couple of reasons - 1) financially it was much better and since I was never able to secure any type of life insurance for Joe because of his past medical history, finances were going to be a issue. 2) I most likely won't remain in Casper all the remaining part of my life and I didn't feel comfortable having Joe buried here and me no longer in the city. The arrangements went well and it certainly was a comfort having Corey there with me. I was told that Joe's body had been returned from Denver where he had been sent for the harvesting of vital skin tissue.
I pray for comfort from pain, Father, not the lessening of the love that causes it.
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