Journey of Grief - Guilt

The experts say...When someone you care about dies, it's natural to consider the "if-only's" or "what-if''s".  You may also feel guilty if a part of you feels relief - common after extended illnesses or caregiving.  While these feelings of guild or regret are natural, they are sometimes not logical to those around you.  But remember - thinking is logical; feeling is not.

I went through my own list of "if-only's" and "what-if's".  I still think of them from time to time, but have found a certain amount of relief and understanding since I attended the temple last month.  I felt so strongly that I needed to be in the temple as soon as possible for so many reasons.  Before attending the temple, I felt it very necessary to fast for answers and strength that I knew would only come from temple attendance.  I didn't know exactly what I realistically wanted as an answer to my prayers until a conversation with Derek that morning after he was told I wouldn't be eating chocolate chip pancakes that morning. 

Derek:  "Grandma why are you fasting?"
Me:  "Well, let me think about that".
And Derek was off playing before I answered.  But, it did make me think of my reason which I felt was - I wanted to be forgiven of the things I felt guilty for regarding Joe.  I wanted forgiveness for the way I treated him at times.  I wanted forgiveness for the nasty names I sometimes called him.  I wanted forgiveness for the inpatience I felt sometimes.  I wanted forgiveness for not treating him with more love.  And the list went on and on.  Those feelings were being compounded with all of the "if-only's" and "what-if's".

Those "if-only's" and "what-if's" included things like:

• what if we'd been at our home instead of the Sleep Inn?  The EMT's would have gotten to us faster.
• what if they'd gotten to us faster?  Would that have made a difference in Joe's survival?
• what if we hadn't gone away for the weekend?  Did being out in the heat make a difference in him having a heart attack?
• had Joe called out before I heard him?  Had I not heard him if he did?
• what if I hadn't taken him off life support?  Would he have recovered afterall?
• did I give him his insulin the evening before?  Did that contribute to the heart attack?
• what if I'd taken Joe to the doctor earlier about his atrial fibrillation?  Did that hasten the heart attack or cause it? 
• and the biggest "if-only" and "what-if'" of all for me, was "what if" I hadn't taken B.J. outside to use the bathroom?  "What if" I'd come back into the hotel room just a couple of minutes earlier"?  "What if" I'd done CPR on Joe?  I was trained, but never got the opportunity to use it.

And the list can and did go on and on and on.  I'd lay in bed trying to sleep, but never slept well for weeks.  Part of my healing from these questions came when Cordell came to the house one evening and while sitting on the couch, he testified to me that he knew that when he gave Joe his final blessing that it was his time to go - that he would not recover.  Cordell told me that he knew it was Joe's time and he was being called home.  He told me that even if Joe had had the heart attack on the very floor of the emergency room, he still would not have survived.  I finally received peace though when I went to the temple and received an assurance in my heart that I needed to put all this aside.  That I'd done all that I could and in the circumstances I was in during those stressful times.

No one ever know what it's like or will ever understand what it's like to make a decision where someone's life literally hangs in your hands unless you actually have to do so.

I was hoping against hope that because Joe had been given a priesthood blessing and he'd always pulled through before, that my faith would be strong enough that he would be able to be rescitated and eventually go home with me.  I saw that hope slipping by minute by minute until the decision was put in my hands.  How do you let someone that you love slip away?  How do you know if you are making the right decision?  How do you know that some type of miracle won't take place? 

I only know that when I gave the "okay" to have the life support removed from him, that it was only a matter of minutes until he took his last breath and stopped breathing.  And, I will always remember how at peace Joe looked.

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If I Only Had Today"

It seems like I've watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons.
Sometimes it feels like I've been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new.
I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now.
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow.
But if there were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay.
I know how I'd spend every moment
If only I had today.

I'd hold you and listen
And I'd let the dishes sit in the sink.
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I'd just let the phone ring.
The I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

I'd wake up before the sun did
And I'd watch as you quietly sleep.
I'd pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won't keep.
All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that's come my way.
Wouldn't mean anything without you.

So if I only had today.

I'd hold you and listen
I'd memorize every detail of you face.
I'd tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn't let excuses get in the way.
Then I'd remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.