How To Prepare For a Mammogram

I know, I know. You may think this a little too personal to be placing on my blog, but hey, it's my blog and I'll put whatever I want on it. If you are under a certain age and have to ask someone "what is a mammogram?" or a squimish female or an uninterested male, just sign off now and move on.

I think I had my first mammogram when I was about 40. I've pretty much averaged one about every year with a few not done because of no insurance or fear of returning. So, I figure I've definitely had at least three dozen or more. Just because I'm an old pro at it though doesn't make it anymore pleasurable, fun or thrilling.

This morning I had to return to the hospital for a followup to one I had done a couple of weeks ago. According to "them", I apparently have some increase in my tissue mass from my last mammo done in December of 2006. So, I had to go back for more detailed xrays. It's always so fun for me and "my girls". You go into the outer office, fill and sign paperwork. There is always some idiot man sitting in there with his wife although there is a sign that says "Friends and family members are asked to wait out in the hall. NO EXCEPTIONS"! Yeah, right. And, the man ALWAYS wants to have conversation about anything and everything. Why can't he just shut his mouth and watch the Regis and Kelly on the TV or whisper sweet nothings in his wife's ear?!?!?

Then you are brought into the inner office where you are presented with a wonderful white robe - one size fits all and it does - with pink ribbons embroidered on it. You are also handed a black plastic bag and then ushered into your own private dressing room with mammo cartoons hanging on the wall. This helps to relieve your nervousness I suppose. After you have freed "the girls" and placed your "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder" in your little black bag, you then leave your private changing room, hang your blouse and bag on a rod and then sit down with other women dressed in their wonderful white robes. Someone always make some kind of joke about letting it all hang out, the lack of perkiness as we grow older, etc. And, there always seems to be some lady that I offer to assist tying her sash before someone pops out.

It's loads of fun. What woman doesn't love going into an office, undressing, and taking turns sticking your "girls" between two, cold, hard pieces of plastic and metal. Then having the only "girls" you've ever had get pinched and flattened until you get tears in your eyes from the pain.

I can’t believe that I had to go back and go repeat this sadistic ritual again. And, this time it was using the special, super duper, small plastic thingy that puts more psi on your girls than the clipboard sized plastic thingy a couple of weeks ago. But, I am serious about having my mammagrom yearly. I was just running six months behind - remember the lack of insurance explantion from above? So, today was the big day for me to return for a repeat performance! Lucky me! My "girls" are just the right size for the flattening ritual, I thought. Big enough to have some good padding but not too small to have to stretch them all over the plastic thingy. Let me just say here and now...it don't matter what size your "girls" are, this second round of tests with the small plastic thingy hurts. I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up tomorrow with strange looking bruises all over my chest.

So, for those of you who have never had this experience, I thought I'd share some things that might help you prepare for that upcoming boob test...

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test. And best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends over night. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED! You will wonder what you were so worried or scared about.

I also ran across this little poem, I'd like to share:

The Mammogram By Julia Napier

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K." I said, 'let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!

Seriously, mammograms are not a bad thing. Every woman needs to get one and get it done every year. I guess this last one kinda bothered me though as I wonder how long before the odds catch up to me. After all, I've already been biopsied four years ago and it seems that I never have a "normal" mammogram. But, no matter what I will continue to get them yearly and hope and pray that though my "girls" have to be squished, it's all good. I will have a very long life with my husband, my children, my grandchildren and my family. Here's to continued good health and a good report in the next few days and years!