Gonna Grovel and Beg

Back in September I signed up for a photography class I'd really wanted to take for a couple of years.  I finally decided it was time for me to do something for myself.  I got registered, someone volunteered to stay with Joe and so I went, camera in hand, to my first class.  It was such a strange situation for me all in all.

When class was over, I stepped outside into the darkness, got into my car and just sat there and started to cry.  I was overwhelmed by it all.  I couldn't remember the last time I'd been outside that late by myself - without Joe. 

I did manage to make it the the 2nd of six classes the following week, but that was my last.  I felt a considerable amount of guilt about someone else coming over to be with Joe while I was out.  I just knew this man had something he'd rather be doing that "Joesitting".  So, I quit my class so no one would have to do it anymore.

I find that happening to me quite alot.  And, even now I find that if I need to run an errand, I will wait until Joe is napping and then hurry quickly to complete the task so I can return home as soon as possible. 

I've found that many times it does no good to make any firm plans.  I have made appointments or bought tickets to attend an event and then boom!  A sudden turn in Joe's health can bring everything to a halt.  I remember that I'd look forward to the PBR (Professional Bull riders) to come to Casper.  I'd purchased our tickets near the bottom so Joe could see much better.  However, he had to use the bathroom a couple of times and I had to walk him up to the facility.  When the third time came, I was so frustrated, we just went home.  I was missing so much of it anyway.  I know these things don't happen because Joe wishes or wants them to, but it seems as though sometimes my whole life is in flux because of his condition.  I am getting used to it, in a way.  Whenever I try to schedule anything, I tell people that it all depends upon how Joe is feeling at that time.  I don't even try to schedule dinner appointments for the missionaries because our lives are so unpredictable.

Things are changing for the better though.  I used to have so much unpredictability even when it came to my being able to work a full 8 hours.  Now that he is enrolled at the adult daycare, that has taken alot of that stress off of me.  I'm feeling much better and more productive for myself.  And, I feel that between dialysis, the Senior Center and now the daycare, Joe is having more opportunities for social interaction himself.

All I know is this...expecting surprises is part of my daily life.  No one can accuse me of having a boring life.  Another photography class is starting soon.  I think I'm going to see if I can get back into the class and try it all over again.  If so, maybe I'll make all the classes this time?