Fireproofing My Marriage

This last week has really been an eyeopener for me and my relationship with Joe.  There was an incident that took place one evening between Joe and I that had never happened before regarding Joe's mental state.  It was so frightening to me that I discussed it with his doctor the next day and she urged me to get him to the emergency room as soon as possible to have a full workup done on him.  So, I did just that.  We were at the emergency room some 7 1/2 hours while a series of tests took place.  And, near the end of the ER stay, a case worker came and spoke to each one of us individually.   Long story short - the emergency room doctor discussed Joe's unusual irrational behavior with a phone call to both his neurologist and nephrologist for a consult and direction on a new medication.  It was/has been determined that apparently Joe's vascular dementia is becoming worse.  He's now been put on another medication that will hopefully alleviate some of the stress/irritation he's been feeling, especially towards me. 

I've been quite stressed and frustrated with the deterioration of my relationship with Joe.  It's been very difficult to regard him as my husband and companion when so many of the things he's been doing have been so juvenile or childlike.  A very good friend suggested that I have to learn to "pick my battles"...meaning learn what I think is important enough to correct Joe about in his everyday activities.  I have to learn what he is and is not capable of doing.  He just flat out is not able to function mentally like he used to and I have to accept that.  A perfect example of that occurred yesterday at his physical therapy session.  He was having a very detailed oriented conversation with his therapist about something he'd  read many years ago.  He was quoting specific numbers and data.  I was amazed at how his long term memory is so intact and at the same time realizing, along with his therapist, how fractured his short term memory is becoming.  All this has slowly been working up to a point of frustration for both Joe and me - a point of frequent irritation and misunderstanding.  I haven't been picking my battles.  I hadn't understood until this last week that nothing will change Joe's behavior with all the fussing in the world.  I've learned that if he continues to not flush the toilet, or he wipes toothpaste on the clean hand towel or he gets into the food items on the second shelf of the refrigerator, his mind will not or cannot comprehend that he's doing something "wrong or unacceptable".   I'm learning to just flush to toilet or change the towel or whatever because it's just quicker, easier and won't cause extra contention.  I am trying to learn to serve my husband. 

One of the things that has also helped was watching a movie I'd had on the DVR for several weeks. It was called "Fireproof".  We finally got around to sitting down together to watch it.

It's about...At work, inside burning buildings, Capt. Caleb Holt lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules. After seven years of marriage, Caleb and Catherine Holt have drifted so far apart that Catherine wishes she had never married. Neither one understands the pressures the other faces--he as firefighter and she as the public relations director of a hospital. Regular arguments over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to move on to something with more sparks.

As the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, Caleb's father challenges his son to commit to a 40-day experiment he calls 'The Love Dare.' Wondering if it's even worth the effort, Caleb agrees, but more for his father's sake more than for his marriage. When Caleb discovers the book's daily challenges are tied into his parents' new found faith, his already limited interest is further dampened. While trying to stay true to his promise, Caleb becomes frustrated time and again. He finally asks his father, 'How am I supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?' When his father explains that this is the love God shows to us, Caleb makes a life-changing commitment to love God. And--with God's help--he begins to understand what it means to truly love his wife. But is it too late to fireproof his marriage? His job is to rescue others. Now Caleb Holt is ready to face his toughest job ever--rescuing his wife's heart.

As I watched this movie, it made a real change in my perspective about how I had been treating Joe and not having patience with the things he can't do any longer.  I'd taken some notes during the movie about some of the things that had been said that made a real impact with me.  The "Love Dare" were things like...

The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to not say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says "I was thinking of you today."

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.  (The biggest thing I wanted to happen this year was for Joe to find joy in his life.  I realized how can that happen if I'm not contributing to that?  What if I am one of the reasons why he can't find that joy)?

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

I decided to try some of these things - these love dares.  It's only been three days, but I feel and am aware of a change in my attitude towards Joe.  I've made sure that there has been a more visual display of affection between the two of us and in turn, I've felt more genuine love for him.  He's also been more loving and helpful - he's done the dishes for me a couple of times, he's folded and put away some clothes, etc.  I'm excited in our changes - particularly mine.  Home can truly be a heaven on earth.