One thing I'm learning about grief and healing is that I certainly do not understand it. Just when you think you have a handle on it, it comes up out of nowhere to slap you upside your head.
For the past few days, I've had a sense of overwhelming concern and unease. I'd lie in bed and wonder what is the purpose for my life; what is the reason that I'm still around; what am I supposed to do for the rest of my life? Forget that...what am I supposed to for the next month; the next year? I get up in the morning, go to work and then come home and start the whole process over and over every day. Weekends are different now since Joe's not with me. There's no conversation taking place while I watch tv, no spontaneous trips or outings with him. Other people are going on with their normal, everyday lives and mine seems to be sputtering at times and I'm going around and around in circles. Don't get me wrong. There are those times it is nice to come home and not have to have conversation or interaction without anyone other than the dog. What is my purpose for the rest of my life? I'm trying to fill some of my time with volunteer work and my church callings. I'm looking for other things to give purpose and meaning to my life outside of work.
I was watching television tonight and one segment of the show revolved around a woman who had lost her husband through a heart attack just like Joe. She, too, was questioning her life just like me. Her friend on the show gave her a thought that I took great strength from. This is what he said to her and I present it as though he said it to me...
"You are not done. You are unfinished. You, Carol, are a work in progress. If someone had told you almost nine years ago that you would meet the true love of your live after coming out of a 23 year marriage, you'd have laughed in that person's face. If someone had told you five years ago that you'd be living in Wyoming, you'd have told them there was no way you were moving from Georgia. If someone had told you less than a year ago that you'd be a widow, you'd never have believed them.
I don't know what tomorrow brings for you. It could be nothing. It could be absolutely anything. It could be good or it could be bad. It could be just you and the dog spending time together day in and day out. I just don't know because you're not done. You won't know the point of the book until it's written...the book that is your life. Your life is a work in progress. So, you Carol Weaver are unfinished".