Making Decisions

The first week in November Joe was admitted to the hospital again for ultimately finding out he had fluid on his brain. After everything he's gone through in the last year and a half it seemed as though he's just about exhausted every medical problem from the top of his fuzzy head to the bottom of his eight remaining toes. But, it seemed there were more things to go wrong with him.

This medical emergency was so much more different that anything I'd experienced with him before. There was more of an urgency - a crisis - an impending disaster that was spiraling quickly out of control. The ER doctor and staff must have felt the same as Joe was only in the emergency room for a very few minutes before being rushed to the intensive care unit.

I knew this was so much more different and critical than other hospital stays just by the way the doctors and nurses acted and the rapid settling into the ICU. And then it began.

I was asked if we had a Living Will on file with the hospital? Not on file, but we have one. Yes, I will go home immediately and get a copy and be right back. Then it was explaining the Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) policy. Did I understand that it might come to this point? Yes, No, I didn't. I didn't want to discuss this right now. "Mrs. Weaver you need to be prepared". Sign this consent for ______. Do you give us permission to ______?

This is one of the times that Joe was hallucinating and kept picking at his gown.  Joe was not even aware that I was in his room when this picture was taken.

Then after the worse was over, it was doctors talking to me about possible extensive rehabilitation in a facility for several weeks. Then it was another doctor talking to me about the possible putting Joe in a nursing home. All this was more than I felt I could handle. No more talking to people - no doctors, no family, no friends, NO ONE! I just wanted to be left alone and process what my mind could and would understand. I made one call. I called Marla - my dear friend who had gone through a similar situation a little over a year ago. She had everyones phone numbers of who I would call if I could. I gave her the facts - nothing more - and she made the calls to family and friends and for someone to come give us priesthood blessings. In the end, Joe got to come home virtually a new man. Between the spinal tap and the blessings from my Heavenly Father, Joe has been able to function a great deal on his own. He still has cognitive problems. He doesn't understand things dealing with time. He still has balance problems. He still has orientation problems. There are still so many things wrong that will never be right, but he's home.

Joe kept pulling out his oxygen tube, trying to take out his I.V., and picking at anything else that was attached to him.  Because he wouldn't quit, they eventually had to restrain his arms.

What people won't/don't understand is that with all the decisions I have to make, my own thinking gets stuck sometimes. Making financial arrangements, choosing the right kind of services, filling out and signing immeasurable amounts of paperwork, trying to second guess what Joe might do next, figuring out ways to make his life easier and more manageable, trying to find life insurance on someone that no one wants to cover - I get overwhelmed by all the pros and cons of the various options. Sometimes I can't decide what's best. And, I'm trying to do all this while attempting to maintain some semblance of normalcy by holding down a low-paying job with no benefits. I do the cooking, cleaning, the grocery shopping and making sure that Joe goes to all of his appointments and has everything he needs when he is gone from the house. Every morning it's making sure that he has bus tickets, his medications, his lunch for after dialysis, his drink and snack for during dialysis, making sure that his pants, his belt, his shirt, underwear and socks are laid out and ready for him to put on the next morning. Some may argue that lots of people do that everyday. Yes, that's true and I know that I don't have it as bad as some others may. But, some may need to understand that this is my husband - I am not an old person nor am I a young one either. This is supposed to be the wonderful years of our lives and our marriage. Even Joe now recognizes that he is no longer like a husband, but rather like my child and that hurts - both of us.

What I've noticed is that the harder I push myself to decide, the more confused I sometimes get. If I'm not getting the results I need, it makes sense to stop pushing for a while. It makes sense to tell others that I will get back to them as soon as possible. I can set aside my deliberation and no something else until my mind clears or I can just sit quietly. I can pray and ask my Heavenly Father for direction, for some type of insight as to what I should and need to do. Eventually I will get my quietness and get my answer, my solution.

I look forward to 2012 in the hopes that maybe the worse is behind us. And, if it's not, maybe I've got an adequate amount of past experience under my belt to help me make those decisions I may be faced with in a calmer and more peaceful, tranquil way with complete faith that my Heavenly Father knows what I can handle.