A "Grandmother Pang"

Nikki and Corey though you may never know what a "grandmother pang" is, I want to try and explain it for you.

Earlier today you attempted to send me new pictures of Derek just in time to spread around at church for some weekly brag time for me. Unfortunately, the pictures were too large for my telephone and I was unable to open the files. When I called Corey about this, he suggested I check your website as Nikki was going to add more pictures to your blog.

Happily, and very excited to see new pictures of Derek, I hurried home to get on my computer to check them out. How wonderful the first picture was - you with Derek sleeping on your chest. The second picture - Derek wide awake and looking so cute. Then picture three rolled up and my smile froze and my heart began to ache. It was the picture shown above of your mom, his other grandmother holding him and that's when I had my first "grandmother pang". Tears began to roll down my face as I looked at this picture. It wasn't jealousy, it wasn't envy, it wasn't resentment - it was a "grandmother pang". I don't know if there is such a word, but here is my own personal definition...to have a sudden physical hurt, a heart ache, as a result of the inability to share the same space or moment of closeness experienced by others. This particularly occurs when other grandparents are involved and such occurrences are documented visually and can be seen by other grandparents. That was my "grandmother pang".

I am reminded on an almost daily basis how life changes and with those changes we are able to experience happy and sad times. Corey, you are my one and only child no matter how old you are and with it brings the knowledge that I as a mother never had to divide my love for you amongst other children. I loved you from the very moment I found out I was pregnant with you. I fell in love with you immediately when you were placed in my arms and I knew you were my child. When you married Nikki, I had to learn to divide my love with her. It was difficult at first, especially when you wound up moving to Utah, but I grew to love Nikki as my own daughter. I love her first and foremost because she loves you and because she is the mother of your child, my first grandchild and I know she will make a great mother. I know she'll be a great mother because she was raised by wonderful parents who are kind and loving and taught their daughter well.

When I saw that picture this afternoon, it was a sad reminder of some things I miss in your life. Things that happen when your children grow up and begin to have new lives. I had been able to handle being a new grandmother with the earlier pictures and the phone calls. I know that Nikki's parents see Derek often, but seeing the picture of his other grandmother holding him was almost unbearable, as I 've not had that opportunity and won't for several more weeks. That was the "grandmother pang" - the sudden physical hurt that my heart felt when I realized it wasn't me...that Derek knows how she smells, how she feels, how she talks and he knows nothing about me; That she knows how he smells, how he feels, how he coos and she has many opportunities to experience being a grandmother. I had never felt that kind of pain before. Am I crazy for feeling the way I do? I think not. Will I continue to feel this way? Only time will tell. Can I change the way things are? Not presently. So, for right now, I'll look forward to new pictures, phone calls with a crying baby in the background and appreciate that you include us as much as possible. We'll look forward to listening to yours and Nikki's new life experiences and laugh and smile with you and hope that Derek will get to know his other grandparents really well sometime in his life.